Page 43 of Letters to the Lost

“Two days ago,” Brenn replies, his eyes now downcast, also fixated on the tattoo. His fingers raise, the smallest tremble as he runs his index over it, wincing as he does, “I couldn’t stop thinking about how devastated I felt when we nearly lost you again. How I would have given anything to have my little sister home with me again when you went missing. Then I realized that is how you feel every single day, that the pain you must be living with is so much more than I felt when we almost lost you. I’m lucky enough that my sister came back to me, that you are standing in front of me right now. Safe, and alive…” he trails off, wiping the tears from my face with his hand, then taking my hand in his and holding it over the tattoo of the little blue bunny that now permanently rests on his skin between all of the ones of my childhood drawings.

Two parts of me that will never get to come together other than here.

My tears don’t stop, I don’t think they will for the rest of today, but Brenn carries on, pulling me into his chest as he does. His arms wrapped tightly around me; the box of ashes trapped between us. The only hug with both of my siblings at the same time that I’ll ever get to have.

“You don’t get to experience that feeling ever again, and I hate that. But I can’t help but feel this encompassing sorrow for Chloe.Sheis the reason you were strong enough to fight all those years, why I still have you even if you lost her. I can’t help but love her because of all of that, because you loved her so fiercely that you hung on to life even when others would have given in. She deserves to be remembered and I couldn’t think of a better way than how I chose to remember you. I hope that’s ok?” he finishes, still holding me to his chest as my tears wet his shirt. The smallest smudge of black from my mascara now stains his shirt.

Grimacing as I pull back, looking at him with an apology already on the tip of my tongue.

“Don’t you dare,” He reprimands.

“Sorry,” I laugh lightly, offering him a watery smile, “But it’s perfect, Brenn. You have no idea how much it means to me that she is loved and remembered by someone other than me.”

“You okay, Cupcake?” Dominic asks me with narrowed eyes, his gaze flicking between me and Brenn. A murderous glint enters his eyes as he looks at my tear-streaked face.

“I’m fine. Brenn just showed me his new tattoo.”

Understanding dawns on his face, then he comes striding over to me with a tissue in his hand.

“I hate seeing you cry, Cupcake. It makes me stabby.”

The statement probably should concern me, but I’ve learned that while he might mean it, Dominic probably wouldn’t if I asked him not to. I think.

“Do you have a place you want to do this?” Atlas asks me, finally pulling my attention to all of them now surrounding me.

As I look over all my men, I notice they are all wearing similar outfits to Brenn, but all of them have a small pink ribbon around their wrists tied into little bows.

Fresh tears spring to my eyes at their thoughtfulness. I’m so unbelievably lucky to have them, their love showing me every day that I made the right decision to fight to survive Jane, to make me thankful that my attempt to take my own life was unsuccessful.

“I was thinking by the lake. It’s so peaceful out there, she deserves that.”

My fingers turn white from how hard I grip the small wooden box, the feeling of dread building in the pit of my stomach at the idea of losing this final piece of her.

“Cupcake?” Dominic asks me softly so as to not startle me as I get lost in my thoughts, all the memories of me and Chlo playing in a loop in my head.

“Huh?”

“I have a suggestion, but we don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.”

“What is it?” I ask curiously, the others looking on just as curious.

“I’ve heard of people using ashes in their tattoos, if you want to, we can take a small amount of her ashes and I can design a tattoo for you, so you can always have a part of her with you,” Dominic suggests, the idea perfect.

The pit in my stomach disappeared, knowing I could have her with me always.

“That’d be perfect. Thank you.”

The walk to the lake is peaceful, the sun setting in the distance as I make my way over to the tree Atlas and I used to hide under, trading a secret for a secret as well as candy.

“Do you think this is a good place?” I ask them all, needing reassurance that I’m right to do this.

“It’s the perfect place, Pumpkin,” Atlas reassures me as he comes up to my side.

Zander appears next to me, a small trowel in his grip. His hair tied up neatly in a bun with the slacks and shirt, is probably the smartest I’ve seen him dressed.

“So, we can dig a small hole for the box. We don’t want to disturb the ground too much,” Zander explains when he sees me staring, a confused look on my face.

As Zander begins to dig at the ground, Brenn steps forward with Lois the bear in his grasp, the ratty brown bear, the only thing that brought me comfort as a child.

---