Page 9 of Letters to the Lost

“Yeah, okay. I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with much more of this right now, but I can guarantee we will be revisiting this. But I’m so mentally and physically exhausted that I just can’t deal with much more right now without sending myself back over the ledge. I can’t change anything, there is absolutely no use in trying to. I’d like to sleep now, preferably alone in my room. I think I need some space, to just breathe.” I tell them all, moving from Zander’s lap. Making sure they know I’m serious.

“We’ll talk more about everything later, okay?” Dad says hopefully.

“Sure, Dad,” I tell him, scooting back on the bed once Zander stands.

“We’ll be right in the waiting room, Princess. You want us, all you need to do is shout,” He places a gentle kiss on my forehead.

“Thank you.”

“Can I stay?” Dominic pleads, his hands in a praying position.

“No Dominic, I need you all to leave. I feel suffocated, I just need an hour or two to myself. Get yourselves some food. I’m not going anywhere,” I tell him sternly, hoping he’ll listen to me.

“Come on man. We’ll only be a few doors down,” Zander clasps Dominic's shoulder, leading him from the room.

“But…” Dominic starts, the door to my room closing, cutting him off. Dad, Doc, Brenn, and Sebastian follow, taking my phone with them.

“We’ll talk after you sleep some more,” Atlas tells me sternly before he pulls me in for a demanding kiss, stealing my breath momentarily.

My heart monitor starts to get faster, making me pull away from his lips reluctantly but I can’t help the giggle that slips free. Atlas's gaze softens, smiling warmly at me before kissing me again, gentler this time then strides from the room.

Chapter 4

Autumn

‘So Cold – Ben Cocks & Nikisha Reyes-Pile’

Looking over at my sweet man, I can see how stricken he looks, his eyes sad. Unable to take it anymore, I scoot over and beckon him closer. He gingerly lays next to me, linking our pinkies together as we lie looking at each other. So like the same position we were in on my first night back home.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him because what else can I possibly say? There is no excuse as to why I tried to leave them, without even leaving a note. I would have left this world, leaving them wondering why I had done it. Leaving them all heartbroken and filled with questions that only a dead girl had the answers to.

“I found you. I found your lifeless body floating in the water. You weren’t breathing Babygirl; your heart had stopped and there was nothing I could do. The only thing I could think about was how I was going to follow you.”

“I’m so sorry Spider-Man, so fucking sorry. I never wanted that for you, for any of you. I just couldn’t bear to be alive anymore. I didn’t think about anyone else. I couldn’t see past my own pain at that moment.”

“It’s ok Babygirl, it’s ok. I’m just so glad that you are still here. I thought I had lost you forever.”

He pulls me into his arms, holding me to his chest.

We lay like that for a while, and I eventually start to doze off. Shooing Tobias out of the room, so I can stick to sleeping alone, still needing my space, he gives me a quick peck on my lips before leaving my room, the door clicking shut behind him.

Finally, after being left alone, I feel like I can finally breathe for the first time since I woke up. I know I need more therapy, but the idea of trusting another person with my secrets when the last one was easily bought, is downright terrifying.

My thoughts feel chaotic right now, my hand itching to reach for a blade again, even after what I’ve just done. I don’t want to; I want to do better for myself but also the others.

I don’t want Brenn to go through the pain of losing a sister, to feel the same pain that I feel every single day. I don’t want the guys to lose themselves to grief, or for my dad to lose me again.

This time permanently.

I know I need to stop, but my brain is screaming at me just once, just one more time, to make the thoughts quiet again instead of being loud and messy.

Feeling like I’m drowning in the darkness again, I press the buzzer for the nurse's station rapidly, begging that one of them will come quickly.

My door opens, and a sweet-looking nurse bustles into my room with a smile.

“Are you ok sweetie?” she asks me.

“C-can you please go to the waiting room and ask for my family to come back in please?” I ask her. My hands are trembling in my lap, my lungs straining from trying to withhold the oncoming panic attack.

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