Page 90 of Letters to the Lost

“No, he hasn’t,” she laughs too, “Do you know what the second worst day of my life was?”

“No?”

“The day I had to tell my son that the girl I had seen as a daughter, the girl I was sure would grow up to be his soul mate was missing. Taken. With no clue as to where she might be because her mom ran with her, making it harder to put out a search for her. I could barely get the words out as I watched my child’s heartbreak, mine breaking right alongside him but I was strong for him. I had to be, just like you were for her,” She nods to the small grave at the bottom of the tree as we stop walking.

The moon reflects on the lake’s surface, shining directly onto Chlo’s grave.

“She helped. She didn’t know that she was, but she always managed to know when I was near breaking,” I tell Atlas’s mom as we both look down to the ground.

The grass has grown over the dirt now, no sign that her ashes were buried out here apart from the new shiny plaque that has her name written on it, a little blue bunny hopping along the border.

“Kids are intuitive honey. You would be surprised how often Atlas knew when I was struggling with the loss of the sister, he knew nothing about. You did too. Every year on the anniversary of her death, you would glue yourself to my side and wouldn’t leave,” She recalls, her voice soft as she speaks.

“Chlo was smart like that too. She would know when I was hurting and would insist that I hold on to Bun even though she needed him more.”

“Because you are her mommy. There’s nothing that can tell me any differently. The pain you are feeling doesn’t go away, but it does become a little duller as you find happiness in life. Just because you are happy does not mean you love her any less,” she tells me as she crouches down, running her fingers across the plaque.

I stand behind her as she stares down at the engraving, I asked them to place on the plaque, we both have makeup running down our faces, but I feel slightly less suffocated than I did before. The tears are a balm to my soul as I share the pain with someone who understands it.

It’s the first time I’ve seen the engraving in person, things feeling too raw the last few weeks as the notes build up.

‘My Light, My Love, My Heart.’

“It’s fitting,” Mrs. Moore says, her finger tracing the letters, “I’m glad she had you Chloe when she didn’t have any of us and I just know she was the best mommy to you. Your mommy is special to all of us, so thank you for giving her the strength she needed to make it back to us. I’m sorry that you didn’t but I hope you and my baby get to meet up there and look after each other until we can come to you, in the very distant future. Thank you, precious girl, for giving her a purpose, for loving her when she thought she was alone,” She whispers to the plaque, her words just loud enough that I can hear.

Each word hits my chest, my breath stalling as I listen to Atlas’s ma talk to Chlo’s grave as if she’s here.

My heart breaks thinking of the love Chlo would have experienced if she ever got to meet Mrs. Moore. The same love she has always blessed me with even when Jane was around.

Falling to my knees next to her, my heart breaks even more as I see how broken she looks.

“Ma,” I whisper brokenly, the words foreign but as easy as breathing.

“Oh honey,” Ma pulls me into her arms, cradling my head to her chest, “I’m right here, I promise.”

We sit like that for a while, until our legs are numb from sitting in the same position, unmoving.

“I’m sorry,” I apologize, pushing myself up and trying to not feel awkward when I see the tear stains on her t-shirt.

“Oh shh, you. What’s a ma for if not to cry and snot all over?” she laughs, her voice lighter than before.

“I’m still sorry. It’s kind of gross,” I laugh.

Standing up, I hold my hand out for her to take, helping her stand.

We both take one final look at Chlo’s grave before we start to walk back to the house.

“I’m proud of you Autumn,” Ma tells me as the house comes into view, “I’m just glad you are home now. Remember if you need someone to talk to, even if it’s the middle of the night you can come to me.”

Thanking her, I give her a quick hug before we try to sneak back into the house.

Needing a moment, I break off from Ma the moment we get back in and go to the guest bathroom. Splashing my face with cold water, I try to rub the mascara marks away, so I don’t look a mess when I join the party again.

A soft knock at the door makes me jump. Cracking the door open an inch, I look around confused when I’m not greeted by one of my men.

“Are you ok?” Chase’s small voice makes me look down; his brow furrowed in concern as he sees my red-rimmed eyes.

“I’m ok sweetie. I promise.”

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