Page 42 of Fighting Shadows

“Yes, Strange Girl?”

“You said he did something…” she trails off, nibbling her bottom lip.

“Babygirl, you don’t need to know. It won’t help,” Tobias practically pleads with her.

This is going to destroy her, no matter what he’s done.

She told us that she would rather die than let him get near her again, and we promised we would never let him get near her, never mind touch her.

We broke that promise, and I don’t know if she’s strong enough to deal with what happened to her, even when she has no memory of it.

Chapter 21

Autumn

‘Bedroom Ceiling – Citizen Soldier’

Ineed to know; I can’t take all the what-ifs that are going through my head. The unknown of what Charlie has done to me, while I don’t remember any of it, has me wanting to reach for the blade again.

I meant what I said that I would rather die than let him touch me, and just the idea of his hands being on me once again makes me want to vomit.

“I need to know. My brain is already making me think the worst, and I know if I let myself go down that rabbit hole, you’ll lose me forever…” I tell Tobias, hoping that he sees the truth in my eyes even if it hurts him. Turning my attention fully to Noah, I begged him to tell me, “Please just tell me.”

“I-”

“Please,” I beg.

I claw at my wrist, needing to feel some pain to ground myself instead of getting lost in my thoughts.

I know what Charlie liked.

He took things that were never freely given without care for how they affected me. This time would be no different.

I brace myself for the impact from hearing what he’s done, for the desperate urge to take a blade to my skin until every single ounce of blood from my body is drained.

But I feel none of that, just numbness as Noah stares at me, heartbreak glistening in his eyes paired with fury. His voice breaks as he tells me how he had no choice but to let Charlie clean me and apply the ointment. I know what's coming next, I’m no stranger to it, and everyone around me loses their shit. Things break, the cracking of knuckles as they fist their hands in their laps to hold themselves back.

I want to show that it affects me, that it’s broken me again because that’s the expected response, but I can’t muster the strength to try to fake it.

It’s as if I’m watching a movie, but the main character looks just like me.

How can I feel anything but nothing when I have no memory of it?

“Autumn?” Tobias’s voice snaps me from my stare off at the pristine white wall, my memories playing across it in my head like a film reel.

I know the feelings I should be feeling; I’ve felt them enough from my years with Jane, but I can’t bring them to the surface.

“What’s wrong with her?” Noah’s brother rumbles, but I can detect the hint of concern in his tone.

“She’s disassociating to cope. She’ll come out of it,” Atlas explains, his thumb stroking soothing circles on my calf.

“Is this normal?” Aidan asks, waving his hand around in a circular motion in my general direction.

“It’s normal for trauma, you insensitive twat. Now sit down.” Noah chastises his brother, grabbing his wrist and pulling him down into the seat next to him.

“How long does it normally last?”

“We don’t know, but we know it helps her cope when her feelings clash with her past ones. Sometimes, she comes out of it thinking she’s in the past. The mind is complex already; add in trauma, and it's messy. Old feelings come to the forefront, muddling everything. We try to support her through it all,” Tobias says, his pinky finger interlocking with mine.

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