Page 45 of Fighting Shadows

None of this is her fault.

They filled me in on what happened, how Ellie came to the house to admit to what she did, and how much it broke Shan and Brenn in the process. They were the ones who let her into their hearts; it was more profound than just some casual fun.

Shan had no clue what Ellie had done, even though the reason behind it was to save her life.

“I’m sorry, Aut. If I knew, I never would have let her do it,” she pleads with me to listen to her, her cold hand clasping around my shaking one.

“You don’t need to apologize; this isn’t on you,” I tell her, needing her to know I don’t blame her.

“But it was because of me. If Charlie hadn’t threatened my life, Ellie would have never done what she did. I’ve been a mess ever since,” she cries; great big sobs come from her as she folds in half and buries her face in her hands.

“Can I say that if it were one of my guys, I wouldn’t have done the same? Because I would have. I understand everyone's point of view, but I can’t forgive her. She delivered me to Charlie, put me into the hands of my monster, and right now, I can’t forgive that,” I tell Shan, squeezing her hand even though I can see that my words hurt her.

“I wouldn’t ask you to. Me and Brenn have cut her off. I blocked her once she started blowing up my phone, begging me to listen to her explanation, but I couldn’t.”

“You know I wouldn’t be mad if you did, right?” I tell her, needing her to know I won’t stand between her and Ellie if she chooses to ever speak to her again.

“I know, but I’m not ready to talk to her; I don’t know if I ever will be. She got cocky, and because she decided not to communicate with any of us, we nearly lost you. I need time, a lot of it.”

“Have you and Brenn spoken about it?” I ask her.

She shakes her head sadly, “He’s torn up about it all. He finally thought he had found someone he could trust, and she ripped through that in mere hours. Maybe you would have more luck?”

“I can try. I hate how dejected he looks. I know he’s putting on a brave face for me; they all are, but there’s no need. I don’t remember anything that happened, and I can’t bring myself to feel anything about it apart from being betrayed and annoyed.”

“You seriously don’t remember?” Shan asks incredulously.

“Nothing. The only thing I remember is getting into her car because we were going shopping for your birthday,” I tell her.

“I hate that you’ve lost two weeks of your life because of her,” She sniffles, wiping her nose against the sleeve of her jumper.

“I don’t. If I could remember anything from my time there, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now. Noah told me about what Charlie did, and even though the idea of him touching me makes my body want to break out in hives, I’m just numb to the whole situation. I’m mostly worried about everyone else’s reaction to the news.”

“Noah?”

“My bad, I’m so used to everyone being in the hospital room for the big revelations that I forget you missed it all.” I laugh, then laugh harder when I realize the absurdity of my situation.

Shan chuckles along with me nervously, her eyes watching me as I break down in a fit of laughter; it’s not funny. None of this is, but if I don’t laugh, I’m going to cry, and I don’t want to do that. I’m sick of doing that.

“Will you be going back to your dad’s?” Shan asks me.

Shaking my head, I explained as best I could how everything had been the last few months and then how I found out everything my dad knew from before. Shan sits there with wide eyes, taking in everything that I’m saying. Her eyes fill with pity, which I hate, but her heart is too big for what I’m saying not to affect her.

I have no regrets about the day I met her, even when I knew that shoving a knife against her rib was too much. Luckily, Imade a great friend who was understanding and so sweet about it; I can't blame Ellie for falling for her.

“I hate that so many people have hurt you,” she whispers brokenly, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. She squeezes the air from my lungs with how tight her arms are banded around me.

“Me too, but I have the guys now, and Zanders offered for me to move in with him,” I smile at the idea, knowing we won’t be able to keep the others away.

“Really?” Shan squeals, jumping on her toes with her arms still around me. I grunt in pain but can’t help the wide smile that blooms over my face, “You are going to get so much dick.”

“You look far too innocent to say such vulgar words,” I groan, flopping my head back against my pillow after I manage to pry her fingers from around me.

“If you knew the things me and Ellie got up to…” she trails off.

I hold my hand up to stop any more words from coming out of her mouth, “Please stop. I’m already traumatized; I don’t need those mental images adding to it.”

“Fine,” she pouts, but she’s smiling under it.

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