Page 46 of Fighting Shadows

I needed this, some semblance of normalcy, as everything around me felt like it was falling apart. I want to go home to Zander’s and cuddle up for a week on the sofa with my dogs. Poor Parz has apparently been a wreck since I’ve been gone, and I’m excited to be taken down to the ground by forty-five pounds of fluff.

I know I need to speak to my dad, alone preferably. I need him to know that I read his letter, that I haven’t forgiven him yet, but that we can work towards it.

Shan gives me another hug before she leaves, needing to get back to college for her lecture, and I breathe a sigh of relief when the door shuts behind her.

I loved having her here, and I know the talk we had was needed, but I feel drained now, my body screaming at me to lie down and nap.

“Don’t worry, Princess. We’ll protect you. Sleep,” Zander’s voice rumbles in my ear quietly just as I’m drifting off.

I didn’t even hear them come in.

Chapter 23

To my Chlo,

I thought I was done being confused over actions that weren’t my own.

That I would stop trying to process other people's reasons for doing things out of my control.

Losing you is by far the worst moment of my life, and I will never be able to fully understand why you had to become a victim of the hate Jane felt for me.

Now, I’m dealing with confusion from more than one person.

Why has my dad acted so strangely all these months?

Why did Ellie betray me by handing me over to Charlie?

And why does the universe hate me so much that it allowed him to get away?

I remember nothing, only what I’ve been told, and I’m confused about everything once again.

I feel no terror, I feel no pain about everything I was supposed to have gone through, and now I sit in the hospital bed, confused again.

There are things in my head that I don’t share with anyone else. Too afraid to voice the things I once feared when the reality is so much scarier.

That one day, your bed would be empty. Not for any horrible reason but because you were happy and away at college, living your own life.

I feared it so badly because I was so scared that after years of looking after you, you would no longer need me. That you would be so happy away from me that you wouldn’t come back.

That I would have failed you.

I would not have been able to provide for you; I was naïve and far too young for the dreams I wanted to give you. I didn’t have a job, I didn’t have a home for us, all I had to provide you with was my love, and that wouldn’t have kept your stomach full or a roof over your head.

I love you more than I have ever loved anything, but my love wouldn’t have been enough to save you.

That Jane would take it too far one night, and you would be left in a world without me there to protect you.

I guess when I think about it, she did. Instead of you losing me, I lost you, and a part of me is glad, even if it makes me a monster for thinking it.

You would have never survived at her hands; you were too pure and too happy, and she would have snubbed all of that out and molded you into something you had no business being. This way, you died knowing that you were loved and not hated, that you had someone who would have given their life for you in a heartbeat if it meant you got to live a safe and happy life, not the one we both got.

You would have grown to resent me.

This one is silly and so idiotic, I know.

But I feared that one day, Jane would poison your mind, and you would look at me with hatred rather than love.

I think that would have destroyed me more than anything Jane had ever done.

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