Page 69 of Fighting Shadows

I sigh because we’ve had this conversation multiple times in the last few weeks, Doctor Karskin’s worry for me rivaling Pops’s.

“I just don’t remember anything, and if I’m honest, I don’t want to.” I rub my Parzival’s head where it rests on my leg, “I’m happy this way, and sure, I’m having nightmares because my mind is trying to fill in the blanks, but I know if I remember, I’m going to spiral and probably end up back there with you for a long time so I don’t try to kill myself again.”

“We don’t want that, obviously. We want you healthy and happy, but I don’t think I’ll stop being concerned for you until I know this is all dealt with properly,” he says, scribbling away in his notes as usual.

The clock on my laptop tells me I still have fifteen minutes to talk with him, so I decide to be more honest than I have been before.

“I understand. Charlie’s son has offered to help us try to lead his dad out of hiding. He’s not shown his face like we thought he would in weeks now, and it’s making everyone antsy.”

“Is this Charlie’s son around a lot? From what you've told me, I know he was at the cabin with you, but I didn’t know that he was still lingering.” Doctor Karskin says the last word carefully, still trying to maintain some professionalism.

“He is,” I smile. Surprisingly, he’s formed a bond with Dominic, and his brother is dating Brenn now, but I think they are trying to be sneaky about it.”

“And having him around isn’t affecting your memories in any way?”

“Nope. It’s comforting, actually. I have these nightmares where Charlie will be looming over me, and before he can touch me, Noah appears, chasing him off and defending me. He’s become a source of comfort,” I say, picking a piece of loose hair from Parz’s head. Is that weird?”

“I think you are doing what you can to cope with what you have been through subconsciously, and knowing Noah was there has created a bond with him of some sort. His being Chloe’s brother has probably also caused you to form an attachment to him as he’s another link for you to have to her,” he says.

“I didn’t even think of that,” I mutter, my brow furrowing.

Have I created a connection to Noah in my head because of Chloe?

I don’t think I have, but maybe subconsciously, I have, and with him appearing in my nightmares as my protector, I’ve latched onto him.

The timer goes off, startling me from my thoughts, and Doctor Karskin gives me a knowing smile, “I want to see you again in aweek so that I can make sure you are still doing well and don’t need anything.”

“Thank you,” I say, hanging up the call after we schedule a time and day for next week.

Parz buries his head into my stomach, the weight of which is comforting after a draining therapy session. The others are downstairs talking, and I can hear them laughing, and I smile.

I wanted this for Chlo and me: a house filled with laughter and love, a family who would give their last breath so the other would be happy.

Jane made it impossible with her drunken tirades. The fear was when her footsteps would echo up the stairs, and I wondered what version of her would walk through the bedroom door. The way her face would twist up before she would strike.

Chlo and I didn’t have a moment of peace; any moment of happiness was tarnished when she would walk in and we would be laughing.

Parz pushes his head into my hand when I stop stroking his fur; my thoughts are lost in thoughts with Chloe.

Knuckles knock against my door, bringing me back to the moment. I always feel spaced out after a session with Doctor Karskin. The sixty minutes are emotionally draining as we discuss the past and bring it to the present.

A part of me wants to leave it there, to push it back and never deal with it, but I know that it’ll come up in the future when I’m finally happy, dragging me back into the comfort of the darkness in my mind.

“Come in,” I call out, surprised when Noah’s bright orange hair peeks around the corner.

“Hey, Strange Girl,” he says, a bright smile on his face when he sees me cuddling with Parz on my bed.

“Hi,” I say, pushing myself up against my pillows.

“How was therapy?”

“It was good. My doctor is worried that I’m the same as before,” I tell him.

Parz tracks Noah as he walks into my space, sinking into the chair by the vanity that Zander built for me, “Is that not a good thing?”

“It’s a yes for me; it’s a no for everyone else. I think if I remembered anything about my time with him, I would be a mess, but I’m glad that I don’t.”

“No, I get it. It would be best if you didn’t remember either. Does me being around affect you? Like, is it triggering knowing I’m his son?” he asks me, his hand rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably.

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