Page 94 of Fighting Shadows

She’s skinnier than the last time I saw her, and her hair is limp and lifeless like she hasn’t been taking care of herself.

Ellie opens her mouth and slams it closed, repeating the motion a few more times: “ I didn’t think I’d be let in.”

“I didn’t think you’d ever show your face,” I say, “Do you want to sit?”

“No-no, that’s ok. I’d rather stand if that’s ok?”

“Sure,” I say, leaning against the sofa, and she mirrors me on the other, “Why did you come here, Ellie?”

“I wanted to explain why I did what I did. I know I should have spoken to you all about it, but I got cocky,” she rushes out, tripping over her words.

“You should have,” I nod, “but I understand why you did what you did.”

“You do?” she asks hopefully.

“I do.”

“So you forgive me?” she asks.

“God no,” I laugh, the sound almost cruel, “do you know how many people you hurt because of what you did?”

“I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry.”

“That’s not all. If it were just me, I would probably forgive you because I get why you did it. You were protecting Shan, and if it was any of my men, I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same if I felt like I didn’t have any other choice…” I take a deep breath, steadying myself. My hands grip the sofa, and I have to resist the urge to hit her, “You destroyed my men. You destroyed my brother, my friend – the love of your life, and you destroyed our friendship.”

“I never meant to hurt everyone. He was threatening Shan, telling me he would take her instead and kill her unless I handed you over,” she says, her eyes pleading with me to understand.

I want to, and the old me would have probably forgiven her, but I’m so tired of being hurt.

“You know you could have gone to Brenn. He would’ve given you an army if you only asked… if you spoke to me, I would’ve helped you come up with a plan. Involved the others and created a decoy to get him finally and let us all be free of the past that I brought to them.”

“I thought about it, but I thought…”

“That’s the problem, Ellie; you thought you were invincible, that you could be the hero and save everyone without any help, and now you’ve lost everything.” I keep my voice steady even when all I want to do is shout; I know Aidan and my dad will be able to hear every word, but this needs to be said, “I nearly died. I had sepsis because he chained me to a bed for attempting to run and never let me use the toilet. Zander has panic attacks, and the others have changed, too. You broke my brother; I found him lying in the dark, his room a mess because he could barely find the motivation to turn over, never mind doing anything else. I’ve been there, where the mind goes dark, and if I had lost my brother because of you and your actions, I would have slit your throat the moment you stepped into this room.”

“I-I never thought…” she trails off, hiccupping and wiping the tears that are falling from her eyes.

A pang of sympathy hits my chest as I look at my old friend, and I resist the urge to gather her in my arms and tell her it will all be ok.

“I can’t forgive you yet. Maybe I’ll be able to in the future, but right now, I don’t have the space in my life for it.”

“I understand,” she says, her shoulders slumping. Can you tell the others that I’m sorry? I was hoping to see Brenn and try explaining things to him.”

“They’re out right now, and I don’t know if he would want to hear it. You know how stubborn he can be.”

She lets out a watery laugh, “Yeah. Have you spoken to Shan?”

“I have. She’s still hurting, but I think if anyone were going to hear you out, it would be her.”

She shakes her head, her lifeless red hair swaying, “I’ve tried. She wants nothing to do with me.” She sniffles.

“I’m sorry. Maybe give her a bit more time?”

“Do you think she’ll forgive me?”

“I think if anyone will, it will be her. She’s the best out of all of us, and I think that’s why this has affected her so much,” I tell her, leaving out that she’s trying to move on.

I don’t wish for Ellie to be miserable; I’m just not ready to trust her again and let her in my life. Deciding to throw her a bone, I swallow down my hurt and tell her to give us time.

---