Page 36 of Madness

Harry sighs, and the tiny field mouse he named Doris crawls out from his pocket to his shoulder.

She squeaks, standing on her hind legs, and he scowls down at her, “Killing fir food isnae the same as killing for nae reason, Doris,” he admonishes the tiny mouse.

“It was not for no reason. I had many reasons, but I do not wish to talk about them,” I finally say, feeling too raw to talk about what got me committed to Wonderland.

Red’s lips curl into a soft, gentle smile that seems to soften up her face. It isn’t a broad,toothy grin but rather a subtle, delicate one that shines with warmth and understanding.

I can feel my shoulders relaxing, and I feel like I can talk to her about the madness inside of my head.

Maybe she’ll understand why I had to kill Alice.

“They will not understand Alice. You areee a murderer, and they will hate you just as your mother did.”

“But we made her head fall off, off, off!”

“Al? What’s happened?” Red asks softly.

“They cremated her,” I say, trying to keep the croak out of my voice.

I don’t deserve to break.

After all, I’m the reason she’s gone.

“Is that a bad thing?” Harry asks, looking at me like I’ve honestly lost the plot.

“Was it something she wanted?” Red asks. Standing from where she was sitting, her dress rustles, the only sound in the room except my harsh breaths as I try to hold back the overwhelming panic that threatens to consume me.

How do I explain to them that Alice threatened to haunt me from the afterlife?

To make me suffer just as she had with her madness.

She gestures to Harry to move over, and the mattress dips from her weight as she sits between us both. Her arm rests against mine, and there isbarely a brush of her skin against my forearm, but I can feel myself relaxing from her presence.

“She wanted to be buried in a field, I believe. She wanted to be free…” I trail off.

The reminder of what she promised should she be trapped in a small containerafterfeels like a taunt, even from my own mind.

I never wanted this to happen.

I never meant for it to happen.

I just wanted to protect myself, to stop her madness from hurting me.

“Freedom is relative, is it not?”

“Aye, like when we are outside, do we no have only a wee bit of freedom?” Harry says.

“So, if you could get someone to scatter her ashes somewhere, would she then not be free?” Red suggests, and I think about it for a moment.

She could be right; as long as Alice’s ashes were scattered somewhere where her soul could be free, then I would not have the guilt that she did not get what she wished for because of my decisions.

“I do not know who,” I say, thinking out loud. “We had no family. No one other than us, and Alice did not let anyone close enough to be an option.”

“Wit about the Warden?” Harry tilts his head to the side in thought. His red hair is extra frazzled today, sticking out in wild tufts from beneath his beanie hat.

He’s dishevelled, and I want to ask him if he’s okay, but the lingering question about what to do with Alice plays in my head on repeat.

Do I leave it?

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