Page 37 of Madness

Let her ashes stay in the small container they place them in, or do I brave asking the jabberwocky if he will scatter Alice somewhere peaceful, far away from here?

“You could kill yourself, and then you would not need to worry about such meaningless things.”

“I could ask,” Red offers, but I’m already shaking my head before she finishes, “Why not?”

“I do not want you to have to talk to the warden.”

Harry scoffs, “She’s probably the best person tae talk tae him.”

“What do you mean?”

Red huffs, her head hits the wall behind us as she flops back, “He means that Jameson and I are a thing.”

“Oh.”

I try to ignore the pang of hurt that spears me in the chest, even when I have no right to feel like this.

She was with him long before I ever came along, and I’m too messed up in the head for a girl like her. I’ll settle for my dreams of her, where she lies in my arms for hours, comforting me through the things that happened in my childhood.

It’s the only way to keep her safe.

“She’s no just wi the warden,” Harry says with a knowing smirk, but I don’t miss the longing in his eyes that reflects my own.

“I didn’t realise that my love life was such an important topic,hatter,” she snarks, playfully slapping his arm.

“Hatter?”

Now it’s Harry’s turn to sigh, “Aye. Ma Mum and Dad own a hat shop doon the toon in Scotland.”

“That’s… cool?”

“It’s fucking lame, that’s wit it is,” Harry grumbles, “Anyway, aye, yir dating life is interesting, Red, since yi are wi the warden and the most feared patient in this place.”

“Do they both know?” I slap my hand over my mouth, the question blurting out before I can stop myself.

My cheeks flame, and I duck my head.

“They both know, and they are both ok with it. Especially because they both know I love them equally and anyone else I would want to be with…” she laughs softly, almost only a quick intake of breath, “but Jameson is fiercely protective, so I need to keep him updated before I let someone else into my heart, y’know?”

“I’m gonnae go. Doris needs feeding,” he says, standing from the bed and running his hands down his trousers. Harry turns his head sharply to look at the mouse on his shoulder. “Aye, Doris, ya need food, sowheesht.”

Harry strides from the room, the door closing behind him with a loud bang.

“Are you okay?” Red’s hand hovers over mine for a moment as if she’s hesitating to touch me before the warmth from her skin seeps into mine.

I turn my hand over hers, interlinking our fingers with bravery I didn’t know I had, and feel like I can breathe again for a moment, “Not really. I feel numb, I guess. Like she’s gone, and I’m never going to see her again. She was horrible to me most of the time, but she was my Alice, y’know, and she wasn’t all bad.”

“But she wasn’t the best either, right?”

“Right.”

“Then numb is ok for now. I’ll ask Jameson if he can arrange something for Alice,” Red squeezes my hand in hers, and I nod my head in agreement.

Chapter Thirteen

Therapy feels more like a punishment than actual therapy, which is supposed to be ‘healing’ our minds — a five-step guide to not being crazy anymore.

Even when attendance is mandatory, the room is clogged with the acrid scent of smoke from Abe’s pipe, and incense sticks are sporadically placed around it to create a calming atmosphere.

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