Page 64 of Madness

A shiver runs down my spine at his words.

The voice is wrong – so wrong.

“Mad… I’m utterly mad.” I say louder this time, sinking onto the thin mattress that I think is supposed to be a bed.

I need to get better – I want to, and if Wonderland won’t be able to help me, then what is the point?

“You should die, die, die!”

“Queenie’s right, Alice. It’s what Alice wanted, after all.”

“No! I don’t want to die! I want to be normal. I want to get better!”

My mind swirls, and I clench my fists in an attempt to bring myself back, but it’s no use.

I only seem to be getting worse, and I don’t see any way out of the insanity that is breaking my mind apart.

“Do it, Alice, or embrace your legacy like Alice did.”

“No,” I whisper, “I will not succumb to the madness.”

I repeat the mantra Alice taught me out loud and in my mind in a desperate attempt to anchor myself, and as the voices taunt me, I know I need to hold onto whatever thread of sanity I have left – no matter how much the temptation to finally let go is.

“To be free.”

“Free, free, free.”

“You don’t deserve to live after what you did,” Alice’s voice floats towards me, her face appearing behind my closed lids, but I ignore her just as she ignored me growing up.

I did what I did to survive.

“You did it because you are mad. The madness is a legacy, Alice. Listen to it – embrace it.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Should we do something?” Dusty’s voice filters through the haze, tinged with worry and fear.

“Wi need tae knock him out. He’s lost it,” Harry suggests.

“He’s mad.”

“Should we get someone?” Desmond asks.

“And have him end up in solitary, or worse, the rabbit hole? No. he’s just lost and needs help.” Dusty remarks. The voices in my head quiet, and a warm blanket is wrapped around my shoulders.

Someone grasps my arms and lays me down, but I don’t open my eyes, too scared to see their faces after they’ve watched me finally lose myself completely.

“You’ll be ok. We’re a family now, a bit messed up, but we won’t let you be lost in Wonderland,” Desmond says, and the others mutter words of agreement.

“I’m already lost,” I mutter sluggishly as exhaustion takes over my body.

“No one is ever fully lost, and we’ll help you find your way back no matter what,” Dusty says, and the weight of his head resting on my shoulder is the last thing I feel as the exhaustion finally wins and pulls me under.

Chapter Twenty-One

I sneak out of my room, leaving the others behind as I go to check on my Atropa.

Honestly, it’s just an excuse for me to be able to visit her and not have my head taken off from Jameson for interrupting them so early.

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