Page 90 of Madness

“What game?” I ask out loud.

“The Game of Wonderland.”

Abe pulls up a stool next to my bed, his body barely fitting on it, “How did you end up here?”

“I…” I swallow, closing my eyes tightly, “I killed Alice.”

“Did you mean to do so?”

Ishake my head, “I never meant to lose my head.”

“No, but she lost hers, didn’t she?”

“Off, off, off!”Queenie shouts on repeat, throwing me back to the night that started this whole crazy journey.

“Tell me what happened, Al. Tell me how you ended up here in Wonderland.”

I stare at the ceiling, the restraints keeping me in place, and I know it’s finally time I had this conversation.

To say the words out loud even when I do not want to.

“The voices… they wouldn’t stop,” I begin, my voice trembling, “Alice was demented… absolutely insane, and the voices told me she was going to get worse… so much worse.”

“And did she?” he prods.

I nod, a tear slipping from my face, “She always did, but she thought we needed another Alice, one that would be free from the madness. The voices in her head, they were twisted… wrong, and they convinced her that a pure bloodline was the way to do it.”

“And then what happened?” he asks, pulling another drag from his pipe, the tobacco glowing and illuminating his face.

“She locked me in my room that night and crawled into my bed…” I choke on my words, desperately trying to push everything down, “She… she had done it before, but this time she wanted to go further, and I just wanted it to stop.”

Abe pauses, lowering his glasses to look at me, “And you killed her?”

“I don’t remember. The voices grew relentless, screaming at me, and I blacked out as Queenie was screaming off, off, off.”

“Do you know what you did to Alice?” he asks, flipping the page on his clipboard. I shake my head, “You pulled her head from her shoulders. Beheaded her…”

He doesn’t need to say anymore, and I squeeze my eyes closed until the tiny white sparks appear behind my eyelids.

“Off, off, off!”

“You did what had to be done, Al.”

“I don’t feel like I did. I killed Alice. I don’t even deserve to be here,” I sniffle, the tears soaking the pillow below me.

“You defended yourself, and we can work on the voices while we have sessions,” Abe reassures me.

“Do you think you can make them go away? I’m tired of how loud it is,” I say.

“You need us, Al.”

“I don’t need you. I need peace – for you both to leave me alone so I can live my life,” I plead, “please, I just want to be normal.”

“I’m going to leave now, but I’ll be back tomorrow, ok?” Abe says, stretching upfrom the chair, the lower half of his body crawling across the floor.

“Ok,” I whisper, not wanting to be left alone but knowing I can’t make him stay either.

He leaves, the soft click of the lock like an alarm in my head as the voices grow stronger – both wanting my attention even if it means I can no longer think straight.

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