Page 164 of The Menagerie

Rowan’s silent for a beat. “Yeah?”

Mal’s silent for a beat. “Yeah.”

And Rowan doesn’t really know how to navigate this. Doesn’t know where Mal’s head’s at or what he wants to talk about exactly, but he isn’t offering any information. So he’s at a bit of a loss here.

“You feeling okay?”

He can start there, at least. See if Mal’s doing all right or if he’s about to go into some sort of mental breakdown. If he does, Rowan’s not sure how orifhe can even handle that himself. But no matter what, he knows that he owes it to Mal to try.

“Yeah, I’m all right.”

“Did you drop?” Rowan asks gently.

“Nah. I’m more pissed than anything. Been a long time since I had to fully safeword during a scene. I’m used to pulling yellows every once in a while, but….” He’s quiet for a moment, and even through the phone, Rowan can feel that his gaze is somewhere far away. “I dropped that first time, y’know.”

“Huh?”

“After the gangbang.”

“Shit, really?”

The admission throws Rowan for a loop. Especially why Mal is bringing it up now of all times, months later. But he can go with the flow. Whatever Mal wants to talk about, there must be a good reason for it.

“Yeah.”

“Had that happened before?”

“Never like that. It used to a lot when I first got into this shit ’cause I didn’t know any better, and when Ididknow, didn’t wanna admit I needed anything…softor whatever. But it hadn’t happened in years till that night. Felt like garbage all week.”

Rowan’s hit with a memory, a flash of clarity. Him meeting Mal at the club for the first time after the gangbang. Rowan asking how his week was. Mal taking a long time to answer with a simple, “Okay” or “Fine” or whatever he’d actually said. It nearly breaks Rowan’s heart that he had waited this long to tell him the truth, but he’s glad he trusts him enough now to tell him.

“What was different about that time? I thought you’d done scenes like that before.”

“I did. That time it was kinda… jarring, I guess, gettin’ used by a bunch’a strangers, then havin’ you be all soft and shit. Messed with my head.”

The admission hits him in the face like an icy splash of water. An unbidden wakeup call that has a chill running down his chest and dripping off his limbs.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry, Mal. I had no idea. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I know. Not your fault. It wasn’t until the next morning anyway. When I was alone.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Didn’t wanna freak you out, I guess. Kinda some heavy shit to drop on someone right away.”

“Maybe, but that’s what we both signed up for.”

“Yeah,” Mal sighs, the phone crackling with grainy static. “I know I shoulda communicated it, even though we just met.”

“So it was only me being too gentle right after that caused it?”

“Not entirely. I guess I realized I liked havin’ you touch me ’n wanted more of it. Even though we agreed to meet up, still couldn’t get it outta my head that I’d never see you again, so it made the drop worse.”

It’s a punch to the gut and a kiss on the lips at the same time.

“When we met up the week after, were you still feeling the same way?”

“Till I saw you again.”

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