Page 65 of The Menagerie

He learns a hell of a lot from reading it. First and foremost that there’s actually adifferencebetween being a top and being a Dom—namely that the latter demands some kind of power exchange with a sub. And he might have known that instinctively, but actually reading it makes him realize that he has much to learn about this whole lifestyle.

It makes Rowan reflect on why he’s doing this with Mal when before he met him he hadn’t had much of an interest in it at all. On why he’s so intrigued by being in control and exerting that control over someone who allows him to do so.

Given the title of the book, it’s not surprising that right out of the gate, it talks about what actually makes someone agoodDominant. And from it he learns that people who put others first, especially when it comes to pleasure, tend to make good Doms.

The book’s author suggests that for him the pleasure of being a Dom comes from the desire to give pleasure to his sub beyond what regular, vanilla sex could accomplish, and to give himself the ability to be in nearly complete control. And when Rowan does some introspection, he finds that both those ideas jive pretty well with him and his reasons for enjoying being a Dom, even with the little experience he has with it so far.

It feels like a confirmation of sorts. Validation, maybe. That he’s not some psycho who gets off on pushing people around, but that the desire to do so comes from the intense, core-deepneedto please. He’s never wanted to cause pain or take something from someone that wasn’t freely given. Never wanted to do anything that couldn’t directly be traced back to his innate need to help and take care of others. It’s why he’d wanted to be a doctor when he was younger. Why he’s now a paramedic.

Like he’d told Mal, he wants toheal, not tohurt.

There’s a line in the very beginning of the book that piques his interest and stays in the back of his mind as he devours page after page. Something about sexual appetites being a lot like chocolate sauce on pizza; it’s not for everyone, and people may not understand entirelywhythey like it, but it doesn’t make their desires any less real or valid.

Rowan thinks that chocolate on pizza sounds pretty gross, but then again he’s sure that some people would find some of his and Mal’s sexual desires gross. Like the fact that they met at a gangbang at a sex club and subsequently agreed to meet up once a week to have filthy sex. Or that Rowan actually likes pineapple on his pizza.

The metaphor makes his brain twist a bit, but what it comes down to is that people have different appetites and that he shouldn’t feel weird about the kinds of things he wants, even if they’re notthatout there.

As he reads he finds that the book covers everything from the psychological impact of BDSM play, to examples of types of play, to tips on specific techniques, to suggestions for cleaning up after scenes. It’s short but thorough.

There’s even a section that describes the appeal of being a submissive that Rowan reads carefully and makes a mental note to ask Mal about later on. It talks about how a person could find enjoyment in essentially becoming subservient to another and to willingly subject themselves to some sort of pain or discomfort for the sake of physical and mental sexual gratification.

He thinks about Mal asking him to be rough. Be mean.

Admittedly after the spike of arousal had subsided, Rowan had been concerned about Mal asking for him to treat him that way. Namely he’d been concerned aboutwantingto do that to him. Do thatforhim as much as for himself. But the more he thinks about it, the more he realizes that what the book is saying very much holds true to himself regarding his desires—that they come from a good place, not from a dark place.

It’s not a long read. He’s nearly finished by dinnertime, partly due to him skimming or entirely skipping the portions of the book detailing things that he and Mal had already agreed they weren’t into: pet play, golden showers, and other things that Mal had aptly described as “weird shit” during their first talk.

Different appetites, whatever. Not for the first time, he’s glad they’re on pretty much the same page when it comes to their interests.

There is one part that gives him pause over all the rest, though. Makes him sweat a bit and shift his weight back and forth on the couch.

One bullet in a long list of things you should do with your partner before your first scene; many of which he and Mal had done, but one that Rowan hadn’t really known about and that Mal didn’t bring up.

Talking about any psychological problems.

While the book mentions claustrophobia as an example, Rowan’s mind obviously jumps straight to the diagnoses he’s been dealing with since he was a teenager.

Depression. Later, PTSD. Touch of anxiety.

His heart races, the steady throb of which he can feel in his fingertips. Hebarelyknows Mal, but does he have to tell him about this? Does he owe it to him? Is it unfair to either of them for Rowan to hide it? After all he’s stable, hasn’t had a major episode in at least a year, and stays on top of his shit. Keeps all his emotional ducklings in a row and checks in on himself more than his overbearing but well-meaning siblings had when he was younger and out of control.

And after a long, long while of pacing his apartment, opening and closing the fridge, reading and rereading that bullet point in the book, he decides that it’s his own business. If something comes up down the line that could potentially impact Mal, he’ll tell him.

That’s what this shit’s all about, right? Honesty, communication, trust? It has to be. If the situation calls for it, he has to be willing to reveal parts of himself that sometimes scare him to someone who might be scaredof themin order to keep them both safe. While Rowan’s a far cry from being dangerous anymore, it’s always a possibility. He could always slip up and miss the signs and be too engrossed in the siren call of false pleasure or vindictive anger to realize that he’s on a slippery slope to a physical and emotional crash.

And he vows silently to keep himself in check and one thousand percent ensure that he doesn’t do anything that would compromise this new and evolving relationship with Mal. To flat-out tell him about his illnesses if he needs to, or to end things altogether if their play becomes too much for him to handle.

That’show Rowan becomes aLoving Dom.

ON SATURDAYnight, Rowan is once again checked in by Camilla.

“So,” she says by way of greeting, “I hear you’re coming to the shibari class next month.”

Rowan blinks at her, still not entirely used to her blunt attitude. “Hey. Uh, yeah. Did Malcolm tell you that?”

Even after only a couple weeks of calling himMalin private,it still feels weird to go back to using his full name when talking about him in public. He makes a mental note to ask him if he still wants to be called his full name in front of other people.

“Mm-hmm, he booked a spot for the two of you, so you’re all set. Normally for special events like that, you need to go through the app.”

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