Page 121 of Italy Can Bite Me

“No, no—the other one! With the lava and the… you know what? Never mind. Prepare to die!”

“You’ll never defeat Chester the Terrible!” Chester attempts a battle stance, but the poor guy looks more like he’s passing a kidney stone. “I am invincible! Except for my left knee. And my lower back. And that weird clicky thing my shoulder does when it rains.”

The Dawson sisters chant, “Fight! Fight! Fight!”

Jared still hasn’t looked up from his audio guide. He’s more interested in lusting after weathered rocks than his gorgeous fiancée.

Earlier at the gelato shop, he actually ordered for himself first—pistachio, like the boringpezzo di merdahe is—then tossed his wallet at Katie as if she were a vending machine.

Then the pig finished his gelato and started chowing down on her strawberry cone without asking.

I can’t shake the fantasy of tasting that sweet strawberry flavor still lingering on her lips. Even after she’s gone, I know her strawberry scent will haunt me.

I catch her stealing glances at me between battle poses. She knows what she’s doing—putting on a show, being adorable, making me fall more in love with her with every ridiculous battle cry.

“Is that all you’ve got?” she taunts through the slot in her oversized plastic gladiator helmet. “I’ve battled lions fiercer than you, old man!”

“Your skills may be legendary!” Chester declares, slashing the air in a move that looks less deadly and more mosquito swat. “But can you handle… THIS?”

His “this” involves a lot of arm-waving before he bops her on the head with his foam trident. He retreats into a wobbly hip swivel that has me calculating the distance to the nearest hospital.

The seniors are eating it up. Cameras are snapping, someone’s filming on their giant tablet, and Mrs. Thomas shouts “Finish him Katie-cus Maximus!”

Katie seizes the opportunity, delivering a fake fatal slow-motion blow that has Chester collapsing in a heap at her feet. She raises her floppy sword to the sky, victorious, before clutching her own chest and letting out a melodramatic gasp. “Plot twist! Chester the Terrible’s blade was laced with poison. Alas, my wounds are fatal!” she says, staggering backward like a Shakespearean heroine meeting her tragic end.

“¡Hasta la vista!”she yells, collapsing to the ground dramatically and sticking out her tongue.

I laugh alongside everyone else, but inside, I long to scoop her up, kiss her, and tell her she’s the best person I’ve ever met. Instead, I keep my face impassive, my steps steady, and stop just short of her “lifeless” body. My shadow falls over her.

“Once again, principessa, that’s Spanish.”

An eye pops open. “I know,” she whispers. “Wanted to make sure you were paying attention.”

She sticks her tongue out again and closes her eye—back to playing dead.

Dio Santo, the things I want to do to that tongue.

My gaze shifts to Jared, still nodding along to his headset—the human equivalent of beige paint drying.How does he not see her?

I know I’m not worthy of Katie’s love, but there’s no way in hell I’m letting her marry this boring asshole. My company might be fucked, but this problem I can fix.

“Attenzione!” I proclaim in my best ringmaster voice. “Time for the grand finale of our Roman holiday—Vatican City!”

Katie stands and brushes the dust off her sundress.Cristo, if he wasn’t here…

As our group shuffles toward the bus, I fall into step beside Jared, inspiration striking.

“Oh, Jared, I feel terrible,” I say, laying it on thick. “Katie was telling me about your passion for dinosaurs.”

His head snaps around like a cat zeroing in on a laser pointer.Got him.

“The Museo Civico di Zoologia has this brand-new exhibit on Jurassic-era fossils. It’s a multimillion-dollar facility, very high tech…”

His eyes glaze over with unadulterated fossil-lust.

“The Museo Civico?” he practically squeaks. “They have the most comprehensive collection of Mesozoic specimens in southern Europe! Their analytical approach to—”

“Sadly,” I cut in before he can start a TED talk, “there is no time with our schedule. Even though it is very close.”

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