Page 106 of Hawaii Can Suck It

“I don’t need to peek. Blindfolded in a crowd, I’d still find you. Your smell, your energy… you are a magnet to me.”

The kiss he gives me isn’t for show or for winning a pool game. It’s gentle and tender and tells me I’m his. Strong palms cradle my face, thumbs stroke my cheekbones, and his warm mouth glides over mine.

When we break apart, I’m breathless. The chat is an absolute frenzy, wild comments that are almost as out of control as the roaring in my ears. Because as I look into Reece’s gaze, I’m in serious trouble.

I’m falling for my boss. The man I’m supposed to be fake dating. And he’s oblivious to the fact that I’m quitting this job as soon as our vacation’s over.

An hour later, we’ve wrapped up the livestream and are now sprawled out on our oversized lounger, a pair of lizards basking in the sun. My fingers are intertwined with his. We’re hypnotized by the beautiful late-afternoon colors in the Maui sky.

It’s… peaceful.Exactly what we need.

“Fruit plate, rum punch, and poolside reading material, compliments of Kai,” announces the returning waiter, setting down a borderline pornographic platter of fruit. The punch glasses are served in coconut shells with orchids floating on top and straws shaped as—wait, are those…?Yep. Plastic penises. Subtle as a sledgehammer.

But what really catches my attention? The thick book with a sizzling shirtless Kai that reads:The Kama Kai Sutra: A Tropical Journey to Pleasure Paradise.

“What’s this?” I snatch it up.

Reece groans like a man who’s just realized he left his wallet in the Uber. “It’s Kai’s book. He wrote his own take on the Kama Sutra.”

“Get out!” I squeal, flipping it open. Inside is a treasure trove of sexual positions all starring Kai himself, his gleaming, muscled body paired with various women looking blissfully exhausted.

“‘The Reverse Dolphin Blowhole!’” I announce, my eyes bulging at a photo where Kai and a willowy blonde are entwined in a position that defies gravity, common sense, and one of the Lord’s commandments. Below the photo, Kai’s poetic wisdom reads: “Just as the majestic dolphin breaches the waves at sunset, allow your spirits to soar in unified ecstasy. For optimal alignment, the smaller partner should visualize their heart chakra opening like a lotus flower while maintaining a 45-degree pelvic tilt. WARNING: May cause spontaneous vocalizations reminiscent of whale song.”

“Listen to this,” I say, flipping to a page where Kai and a brunette are balanced as a human pretzel. “‘The Volcano’s Mighty Eruption’—Like the powerful forces of nature that shaped these islands, so must your passion build and explode in magnificent glory. *NOTE* Unexpected dismounts may occur. For your safety, ensure all nearby surfaces are padded and that pets are removed from the room.”

“Dismounts? Please stop. I’ve seen Kai’s dick so much I can sketch it from memory—I wish I was kidding.”

“But this is educational!” I protest,flipping through more pages. “‘The Surf’s Up Spiral,’ ‘The Tsunami Twist,’ ‘The Lava Flow’—wait, why is every position named after something that could kill you?”

I’m about to snap the book shut when I flip to a page that makes me slam on the mental brakes so hard I’m surprised I don’t get whiplash. “Oh my God. OH MY GOD!”

Reece sits bolt upright. “What? Did he Photoshop my face in there somewhere? I will burn this resort to the ground—”

“NO! LOOK!”

The page shows Kai with a vibrant strawberry-blonde woman demonstrating “The Tidal Wave Twist.” Despite being in her seventies, she’s absolutely stunning—toned, flexible, with an expression of pure, uninhibited joy as she’s locked in an impressively athletic position with Kai.

I scramble for my phone. “I’d bet my entire collection of cargo pants that is Katie’s aunt Deb!”

I snap a picture and send a quick text to Katie:

Me:Are you with Deb? Can you ask if this is her?

“Aunt who now?” my SFBWB(snoopy fake boyfriend with benefits)asks as he peers over my shoulder.

“My friend Katie’s aunt, Deborah Fox. She’s who I wanna be when I grow up. She’s seventy-two but has the stamina of a twenty-year-old, and she’s had more lovers than I’ve had cups of coffee. She’s never been married—‘why settle for one flavor when you can taste the whole buffet, darling?’ is her motto. Been single her entire life and is ‘always ready to mingle,’ as she puts it.”

“So she’s in Kai’s book because…”

“Young guys, old guys, rich guys, poor guys—if there’s a spark, she’s lighting the fire,” I say, flipping through pages. “She once told us her vagina has had more visitors than Miami Beach on spring break.”

Reece chokes on his rum punch and sprays it everywhere like a busted sprinkler.

“And right now,” I continue, dabbing at his face with a napkin, “Katie’s in Italy with her! Deb told her to pack condoms, sunscreen, and an open mind—in that order.”

“So, no future suburban life for you? Just globetrotting, making documentaries, and a sad trail of heartbroken guys?”

“Says the guy who’s equally as restless. Adventurers like us are not meant to settle down.”

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