Page 35 of Hawaii Can Suck It

“Holy fuck!” He staggers back.

“¡Mierda! Reece, I’m sorry—”

BOOM!

Thunder crashes as lightning flashes, turning the entire room into a strobe-lit nightmare. I shriek, dropping the wand of doom.

Worst. Decision. Ever.

The thing goes absolutely feral, whipping around with the force of a fire hose. Red lights pulse through the spray from LED strips embedded in the stone walls, transforming ordinary water into streams of fake lava.

“¡Ay, Dios mío!” I scream as scalding water blasts my hip.

Choreographed lighting rigs fire up like we’re in a Polynesian rave, complete with artificial monkey screams and…is that a panther’s roar?

I feel Reece’s biceps flex around me, his bare chest pressing against my soaked back as he holds me close, shielding me as he reaches for the thrashing nozzle.

And for a split second, I think,Wow, this is kind of hot.

An elephant trumpets through surround-sound along with more thunder as programmed lightning zigzags between perfectly placed fixtures. Kai’s “Ultimate Paradise Experience” is a Rainforest Cafe on steroids.

Like a shirtless superhero who’s been called in for emergency duty, he pushes me behind his ridiculous torso. “Stay back—”

“Reece!” I grab his wrist. “That’s my boob!”

“Fuck! Sorry!”

“Watch out!”

Too late.THWACK!The metal nozzle whips around, fast as a cobra, and smacks Reece in the forehead.

“MOTHERF—OW!” he snarls, staggering back, hands flying to his head. He glares at me through one squinted eye.

Another crack of lightning erupts over our heads. A clap of thunder shakes every inch of the space. The room pulses between blinding white flashes and total darkness.

And suddenly, the walls come alive.

Animatronic birds descend from the ceiling, mechanical beaks opening and closing as they burst into a soulful gospel rendition of “Let’s Get It On.”

A robotic toucan swings out of nowhere, flapping fake wings as an animatronic conga line of parrots start bobbing along the rock wall.

What. The actual. Fuck.

I whip around, and the handheld sprayer attacks me again, this time blasting me in the stomach so hard I double over.

“IT’S POSSESSED!” I scream, flailing.

Reece lunges for the hose, gripping it like he’s wrestling a 200-pound python.

The water thrashes, the wand jerking violently in his grip, red mist still spraying everywhere like an angry, fire-breathing dragon.

“SHUT IT OFF!” he bellows.

I scramble toward the control panel, my feet slipping on the slick tile. And instead of a graceful sprint—

I SLIDE.

I slam into the panel, hitting the off switch, and the chaos stops instantly.

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