Page 45 of Hawaii Can Suck It

“By slapping my ass?”

“It was an accident!”

“Right.” She spits out water. “Just like ‘accidentally’ grabbing my pu—”

“We’re quitting.”

“We can’t,” Cam says. “This video is total garbage. We need at least one challenge where you don’t drop me like a hot potato.”

I’m done. So fucking done. Done with this day, this trip. And completely over these nonstop, bullshit, sellout videos.

PWOOOOOOOO!

Kai’s obnoxious horn signals the final round.

“This last challenge,” Kai announces, “represents the ultimate connection!” He gestures to what is unmistakably a floating labia-shaped inner tube. “The Ring of Pleasure!”

I’m going to drown myself in this pool.

“The man will be blindfolded,” Kai continues, “symbolizing how true ecstasy requires faith. He must guide his woman using”—he lifts an enormous inflatable penis pool noodle as if it’s Excalibur—“his mighty sword! Welcome to The Journey to Climax!”

Workers distribute blindfolds and giant dick noodles, passing them out as if they’re party favors.

WHACK!

Pain explodes across my face.

“Bro!” Blaze splashes in the water. “Did you see that? I hit you with my giant dick!”

WHACK!

“Fuck! Blaze, what the hell—”

THWACK!

That’s it. I swing my dick noodle, catching him square in the shoulder.

Blaze laughs, viewing the whole situation as another prank video.

“How could you do this to me?!” I unleash, whacking him again. Harder. Faster.

“How could I not smack you with my fake dick? It’s hilarious,” he says, genuinely confused.

“Not that. Her. YOU VIOLATED THE BRO CODE!”

“Huh?”

WHACK!

“Do you even realize what you’ve done?! We’re not friends anymore!”

Blaze freezes mid-swing. Blinks. “Wait… what?”

I watch his face as the single brain cell does its best.

“Ohhhhh!” His eyes light up. “This is for the video. I get it!” He clears his throat. “Listen, Reece! People do crazy things when they’re in love!”

I see red.

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