Page 14 of Toy No More

“Thanks for the cigarette,” I mutter without turning back and slip out.

Chapter 5

Kobe

ThemomentIopenmy eyes, an unmistakable ping of guilt cuts through my chest. Even before my mind is fully alert and before I lazily find the clock to see that it’s 7AM, I feel the same regret I did when I realized what I had said last night.

Sighing, I roll on my stomach and lie there until it becomes clear I’m not going to fall asleep again. I’ve had a couple of hours of sleep at least. Better than nothing.

A bit of light comes through the cheap roller blinds over my window, allowing my eyes to adjust slowly.

I stare ahead blankly, wondering why I am such an idiot. Was it obvious that what I blurted out would’ve upset him? I’m not sure I entirely understand why Apollo reacted that way, and I worry that I never will because he might not even speak to me again after this.

Wait—why do I want him to speak to me again?

Groaning, I turn on my back and rub my face. There are more important things to tend to. Like Skyler turning the TV on full blast in the living room.

I jump out of the bed and rush in there, grabbing the remote and tapping the volume down. With an unhappy ‘what the hell are you doing?’ kind of grimace, I turn to Skyler, who sits on the couch, a bowl of milk and cereal in hand. He widens his small brown eyes at me, shrugging in confusion.

“You’re going to wake Marci up. She’s not feeling well,” I say through my gritted teeth, trying to keep my voice down.

Skyler rolls his eyes. “It wasn’t that loud.”

I learned a long time ago not to argue with him about little things, so I sigh and take a seat next to him. I haven’t had the time to speak to him properly in ages. “Why are you up so early, anyway? And…” Pausing, I glance over my shoulder at the kitchen, where the open milk and cereal box both sit on the counter.Again. “You made food,” I finish the sentence hesitantly, fighting the urge to get up and go put stuff away.

Instead, I stay by him, hoping for some brother-to-brother time before the carer gets here.

“Yeah,” he says, looking at me briefly before his attention turns back to the TV.

He’s being snappy with me. Probably because I haven’t been very present.Fair enough. “I’m sorry I’ve been putting in so many hours at work lately. Remember I told you I was changing positions? It’s just…a lot of hassle.”

Skyler puts up a heaping spoonful of cereal into his mouth, humming. “Whatever,” he mutters between chewing, letting some milk drizzle down his pointy chin.

I frown, struggling to keep my cool. Feeling half asleep and tired, it definitely isn’t easy. “I’m really sorry, alright? I want to be here more, Sky. I’m trying. And I know I promised you we would play that new video game together, which wewill.” Maybe I shouldn’t have brought that up. With how his memory is, he might have forgotten about it. Still, I need him to know I care. “My work is just going to be a little busy for a while. It’s all so you and Marci can be happy and comfortable.”

“We don’t need to be comfortable. We want you here. I want you here.”

Skyler’s sudden honesty surprises me, and it would’ve been nice if it wasn’t laced with bubbling frustration. The last thing I need is for him to lose his temper right now, before school and everything. Then again, I can’t even be mad at him for being angry in this situation.

Feeling emotionally ran into the corner, I slowly reach out my hand and pat him on the head. “Stop,” he whispers grumpily, but I can tell pretty well when he means it and when it’s just him trying to detach and struggling to accept affection.

Smiling, I lean closer to him on the couch and rest my head against his shoulder. “Iwantto be here. I’m here now. Hannah is going to be here any moment. You think you could clear up the food after yourself so the milk doesn’t get spoiled and change before she gets here? I’m sure she’d appreciate it.” I try to motivate him to do things by himself when I can, but so often it feels like I only come off as nagging.

Skyler finishes his bowl and puts it on the couch next to him, turning to me with a sour expression. “You only care when it’s about chores or me cleaning my room. You only ask about school. This new job is stupid. Why couldn’t you keep the old one?”

I press my lips together. “Because sometimes things don’t work the way we want them to. I didn’t have a choice. I ask and care about these things because I care about you. So please, trust me, okay?”

He’s a teenager, I remind myself. On top of all his other difficulties. I know I should cut him some slack. When I was fourteen, I felt annoyed by everything too.

“You always say that,” he blurts out in frustration and gets up, heading for his room.

Before he can shut the door behind him, I open my mouth to shout for him to stop, but he does it anyway. With a deep exhale, I look at the bowl on the couch and for a split second, a horrible thought flashes through my head:I can’t wait for Hannah to be here. It makes me pause and grips my insides with guilt as it echoes in my mind.

What’s worse, Hannah’s face also brings forth another, eerily similar one. That girl’s from yesterday. Once again, I can’t help but wonder what happened to her.

The start of today is definitely nowhere near ideal. I make peace with that—it wouldn’t be my first shitty day, or a hundredth. Letting the gloom brew inside me before I have to shove it down, I mindlessly clean up the bowl, put everything back in the kitchen, and turn the TV off.

I get in the shower to wake myself up and take my suppressants. Jasper wanted me to come at noon again. I only hope that working me like a dog won’t last forever. Having only a few days off these past weeks is getting to me; especially when it comes to Skyler and Marci. I need to be more present. Otherwise, I might as well be my mother…

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