Page 45 of Toy No More

Maybe I can get to the end of today without my heart rate going up again.

“Did you enjoy him?” I hear after a few more moments of blissful silence.

At first, I think Jasper is on the phone with someone, before realizing he’s looking at me. Then his words hit me. My stomach sinks. Squeezing the wheel, I hold my expression frozen in a neutral position.

Here it is. You brought this on yourself, you horny idiot.

“What?”

“Did you enjoy him?” He asks again, this time stressing every word. He knows I heard him, and he wants his answer.

I shouldn’t be this nervous. He agreed to it. Jasper's and Apollo’s relationship is open. He isn’t his property. So why…

Before I can respond, he continues. “You know, even just for what you two did, people pay a whole lotta money.” My stomach twists to the point it feels like it’s trying to hang itself on my intestines.What does he mean? ‘Just what we did?’“He’s gotten men to completion more than once by kissing alone. Apollo is special like that. A rare creature. But fragile, too. Soft in nature and so broken. Hence, he sometimes does foolish things. Things he knows he shouldn’t.”

I don’t like the tone he uses when speaking of Apollo. More than that, I don’t like the words themselves. White-hot anger, strangely intertwined with fear, blooms through my veins.

Jasper believes that Apollo and I only made out. He…told him that?

For a moment, I don’t know how to deal with that realization. My brain splits between self preservation—focused on the terrifying fact that I claimed something that was his without his knowledge or permission—and a cutting sensation of being wronged by Apollo. I feel so wronged that I start getting angry with myself for blindly trusting him. After all, I barely know the man. And only because he’s beautiful, because he’s otherworldly, and because I feltsomething, some strange sense of belonging or understanding or maybe pity, I figured I was safe enough to take him on his word.

What a stupid, stupid mistake. I should have known better.

My tongue feels numb. The words just won’t come out. “I…”

“He hasn’t even told you he didn’t have my permission, did he?” I don’t know if it should relieve me that there isn’t the anger I expected in Jasper’s gaze as I meet his eyes in the mirror again. Instead, I notice an uncomfortable, calculating glint to them I can’t quite translate, making me much more nervous. The scent of the ocean crawls to the front with me, cold to the bone and overwhelming.

“I—”

This time he interrupts me, though I doubt I was going to get anything out, anyway.

“It’s alright. Lying to men is what Apollo did before this. What he does every day, really. Can’t blame someone like you for falling for it, can I?” A sense of superiority twists his words. He lifts his chin with a chuckle and suddenly, I feel like the dumb little omega he must see me as.

“Comes natural to him. He was a pathetic, sad junkie when I found him, did you know?” he asks. My raised brows are an answer enough. An almost sadistic smirk spreads across his lips. “That could be why. You can never quite trust them, even when they’re sober. He might be a beautiful butterfly now, not just a lying, cheating bottom feeder of society reliant on his body to get his next hit, but that makes him that much more fragile. You understand?”

I don’t. Right now, I don’t understand anything. The world flashes by as I barely focus on the traffic and the turmoil inside my mind.

“He isn’t like us. Isn’t a killer. Isn’t someone who can do what needs to be done. But Apollo is dear to me, so I’ll let him do what he wants. You two are free to engage in whateverentertainshim, but I’m warning you…do not harm that precious little mind of his. Do not make him confused. And do not overstep. Understood?”

I finally get the huge lump blocking my throat down with a heavy gulp. “I understand, sir,” I mutter, too shaken to even try to hide the fear in my voice.

Jasper smiles, pleased like some predator after a successful hunt. He spreads out in the back of the car again, legs wide and arms thrown behind the headrests loosely.

We say nothing else for the rest of the ride.

Every cell in my body remains on edge, buzzing as if I’ve survived some sort of near death experience. Suddenly, the lights of the night city and the surrounding cars burn into my eyes, creating an even worse headache. And it isn’t just my head that aches. My heart is angry. So angry. I go through all of my emotions again by the time we arrive at our final destination. Betrayal, denial, rage, self-loathing, disappointment… None of them feel enough or right.

I think anger is the easiest to feel. It always has been. Maybe not the most productive, but it’s gotten me through many times where no other emotion could. Sure, it inevitably leads to violence and blood and later to me despising myself, but what else am I supposed to do?

“Hey.” Jasper snaps his fingers in my face, making me jerk. He’s leaning forward between the seats. “Find Lenny, Gibbs and Jones, and tell them to go to my office. Then take a break. I’ll call you when I need you.” With those sharp, clear instructions, he gets out of the car and walks toward the building.

With a shaky breath, I sink into my seat with eyes shut tightly. My heart still pounds inside my throat. I push through, knowing that after I do this thing he asked me to, I can get a delicious cigarette out of my pocket and maybe achieve some semblance of peace.

Thankfully, it’s not hard to locate the three men in question. Two are playing poker in the break room when I poke my head in and Jones is chatting with a bouncer at the entrance to the Dollhouse like he so often does.

After I do my job, I find myself at the loading dock, since it seems to be the only place no one ever goes to for some reason. It might be the smell of the trash containers by the side.

I don’t care. All I want is a cigarette. Or a whole pack of them.

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