Page 46 of Toy No More

Drawing the smoke into my lungs and letting it swirl in there for a moment, I finally let it out with a deep sigh. My hand still trembles slightly. I look at it, clenching my jaw in frustration, and try to make it stop. Jasper said he will need me to take him home after he’s done with work, considering his personal car’s being repaired, so no early finish for me. Especially not now that I’m probably on hisnaughty list, even if he acts like everything is normal.

It isn’t. It isn’t, and it’s all my fault.

The door next to me creaks. Jerkily, I turn to see the very face all that bubbling rage inside me is aimed at.Not all of it is my fault, says the panicked voice in my head. In fact, there’s a lot that is onhisshoulders.

Apollo smiles when he sees me. He looks happy to have found me here.

After closing the door behind him, he walks up. If I wasn’t so mad, I would marvel at his burgundy sheer shirt with bell sleeves and how beautifully it accentuates his waist.

“Fancy meeting you here,” he says in a playful, flirty tone and saunters toward me, swaying his hips. “To be honest, I was hoping you’d be here. We always seem to meet at this spot without trying to…” Apollo’s eyes have a spark to them, one I might have appreciated any other day. Right now, his breezy attitude and lighthearted banter only awakens my anger, fueled by the fear still sticking to my very bones.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I say sharply the moment he tries to move closer. I step away.

Apollo darts his eyes across me. There’s panic that briefly twists his features, until he probably reads the fucking room, or rather my face, and his expression shifts. He steels himself, sealing everything he just was—any careless vulnerability and honesty—behind a cold, emotionless mask. I get a bad feeling that he’s done this many times before. That it’s something he must have learned to survive.

“What?” he asks, voice low and with a hint of frustration.

I laugh to myself, shaking my head. Throwing the half-finished cigarette on the ground next to me, I step toward Apollo, getting in his face. He doesn’t move, even though I see his gaze widen and arms twitch as I do. “You fucking lied to me,” I blurt, just wanting to get it out, to release some pressure.

Apollo blinks quickly and evades my eyes for a moment.‘That’s right… I wonder what you’re thinking,’a voice in my head growls as I watch him panic internally.

It’s like the person I saw before is gone and I no longer know who I’m looking at. It might be the anger rushing through my veins. I might be letting it consume me too easily, but I can’t live with it locked inside and the source of all of it is right in front of me.

“You spoke with Jasper about what we did? I thought I told you to—”

I hit the rusted metal loading dock gate next to me with the side of my fist, making Apollo jolt. “Don’t you dare put this on me!” I almost shout, no matter how much I try to keep my voice down. He frowns but doesn’t say anything, only presses his lips into a thin line. “You told me I had nothing to worry about when you actually didn’t even tell him about us!”

“He knows now,” he says quickly, shaking his head. “And he said that—”

“Does he?” I step closer. I feel Apollo’s quivering breath hit my face. Still, he won’t back down. I almost wish he would. “He doesn’t even know we slept together.” I push those words through my teeth quietly, like Jasper could wait around the corner, listening.

Does Apollo really not understand how big a deal this is? Does he not realize the possible consequences for me, or does he just not care?

Apollo blinks and takes a step backward with a huff. He looks down quickly, guilt passing over his face. But his brows are still furrowed as if he has any right to be mad at me for my reaction.

“What if I had let it slip by accident that we did while I was blindsided and trying to beg him for forgiveness? What would’ve happened to me then, if he found out?”

“He wouldn’t hurt you,” Apollo says confidently, making it sound like I’m stupid for thinking that. “Iwas the one who lied to him, to…you. Yeah, okay, I did. I shouldn’t have, but I—”

“My god, Apollo! Don’t you understand? Do you not haveanyidea that this life isn’t as easy for some of us?” I keep talking, keep spitting that venom at him even as I feel myself slipping into a person I don’t like. He looks at me with his mouth half open, but I don’t let on. “We’re not all cherished and important to a crime boss! I’m not protected like you!” I shout, tapping my fist against my chest. He stares at me, eyes wide like there isn’t even anything behind them, and that makes me that much more frustrated.

Helpless. I start to feel so damn helpless and weak and scared as everything that could’ve happened enters my mind again.

“Unlike you, I’m not special. I can’t risk this position; my fucking life! I amreplaceable,” I stress the word desperately, unsure if he’s capable of fathoming the idea. After all, here he stands in front of me—wearing his expensive, beautiful clothes and living in that insane house that I pick up Jasper at. If he wanted, Apollo could stop doing this job and live the rest of his days in luxury.

“I’m only a cog in this goddamn machine that can be disposed of at a moment’s notice. I can’t afford to make mistakes or have my boss dislike me. What was some fun little distraction for you last night could ruin everything for me! I have people I love who rely on me. People I have to care for!” My voice breaks. Tears start pushing at the back of my eyes as I see Skyler’s face in my mind’s eye.

What if something happened to him because of me? What if Jasper is a man who holds a grudge and would go after my family for me touching what was his?

“Can you even comprehend that you risked their wellbeing and safety by lying to me like some selfish prick?!”

“Stop!” Apollo shouts, slapping his hands over his ears. I stare at him in disbelief while he shakes his head.

The look he gives me when he glances back at me, full of betrayal and pain, splits my heart in two. I want to be angry that he even dares to play a victim in this and yet that hurt expression pains me more than I’d like to admit.

He storms off, letting the door hit the wall as he flies through it.

“Fuck.” I punch the dock gate again. The sound of the metal rippling at the pressure fades, leaving only the pounding of my heart to echo in my ears. Grabbing at the base of my nose, I pinch it before rubbing my eyes.

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