Page 50 of Toy No More

I repay him by wrapping my hands around the back of his neck. For a moment, I’m taken back to the honeymoon phase of our relationship. When we were like all people freshly in love; so gentle with each other and happy. Nothing could have stood against us. Life was a soft, fluffy dream with little pink hearts floating in the air.

“Should I have asked him?” he whispers into my ear, pulling me out of that daydream. I blink in confusion while Jasper plants kisses on my jaw and slides his hands down my ass, pressing me tightly against him. “Back in the car… Would you have wanted me to ask him to join us? Is that what you’d like?”

I stay quiet, thrown off by the image he conjures.No. I was uncomfortable. I didn’t even want—

“Him watching me as I fuck you?” Jasper continues, breathing his pheromones into my face and grinding his hardening cock against my front.

I recoil on the inside. The idea feels wrong. So wrong. So…dirty.

“N-no,” I mutter quickly, barely able to hide my outward disgust to prevent possibly upsetting him.

He chuckles and grabs me by the jaw. There’s a gleeful satisfaction in his eyes. “Mhm… What would be the point of that, hm? I doubt an omega could give you anything worthwhile if I were there, anyway. You can do whatever you want with him, but it’ll never be as good as what we have. The two of us, we belong together. An alpha and an omega. As it should be.” Jasper kisses me again, this time with that fire that hungers for more.

Without words, I already know where this is going to go.

We end up on the bed, with Jasper fucking me like some wild animal. As he pushes my legs up and over his shoulders, I lie there, staring at my reflection in the ceiling mirror. A phantom of a memory comes to me. It glides against my skin, leaving goosebumps in its wake. I try to keep it at bay, to forget and stay in the moment, but the more I look into my own eyes, the more muffled the world becomes…

Somehow, it’s over, and I’m once again in that familiar position, resting against Jasper’s chest. He brushes his hand through my hair, like he always does, and I listen to his slowly winding down heartbeat thumping against his breastbone. Usually, this would be the time where I feel the most at peace. When his body burns against mine like the afternoon sun. And yet…I still can’t rein my mind in the right direction.

It keeps sliding astray. Keeps sliding toward the memory of our very first meeting.

That day was a day like any other.

I had my mark—the person my pimp needed me to work on, seduce, get close enough to go through their things, and try to secure as much information about anything valuable as I could.

Jasper was easy to get hooked, much like everybody else. Most of the time, my lovely, sweet scent was more than sufficient. They all liked it. They all wanted more.

Me passing by the hotel he was staying atrightas he was getting back in was a happy coincidence. At least to him. It got me into his room. It got him alone and vulnerable with me. Then, all I needed to do was to put the powder into his drink like I’ve done countless times to countless men.

After he fucked my brains out, he went to have a shower, and I figured the drug was just taking a little too long to work and he would probably pass out in there.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. Whether he didn’t consume all of it or his metabolism somehow made the sedative ineffective, I found myself in a situation someone like me feared every single day but never actually expected to happen. Not after so many times of succeeding. I got cocky. I stopped believing, and truly fearing, it could happen to me.

With my hands still on his phone that I slid out of the pants shed on the floor, I looked up to the completely naked Jasper towering over me with a gun aimed at my head.

The snapshot of that moment lives at the forefront of my mind,always.

I don’t like thinking about it, or even really admitting it’s there, but it is. The barrel of the gun staring right at me, a widening black hole at which end I knew I’ll meet mine. His finger on the trigger, and then those hostile, ferocious blue eyes peering at me from the distance.

Out of all the horrible, risky situations I’ve been in, never have I truly believed I would die like I did in that moment. I knew I would. I was supposed to.

And as much as I was scared, a part of me was…ready.

But then he kept looking. Kept standing there studying me, listening to my panicked, terrified breaths until he lowered the gun and stepped closer to me. I apologized and begged and bargained, and Jasper was interested in none of it. He just bent down to me and said that I looked like someone whose heart was good. Who’s innocent at the core.

I wasn’t anywhere near innocent and I knew that. Especially back then. Everything inside my life was tainted and wrong. Out of my control. I was a pawn to horrible men, doing horrible things, and that somehow made me even worse than them in my mind.

But then Jasper said I didn’t deserve to die and gave me a new life.

A new name.

An ultimatum that saved me from ODing like so many of my friends had.

Even now, there are days when I wonder if all of it since that moment has been a dream. There are mornings when I wake up with this panic inside my chest, feeling like I’m going to blink and be back on that dirty mattress, with sores and needle holes in my arms, cold and depressed and scared.

Jasper kept his word. No matter any horrendous action he ever might have committed, no one could hold against him that he had kept his word to me. Hedidchange my life. Even before we got closer and fell in love. He showed me that it could be so much more than what it was. It could be safety, comfort, confidence, and joy.

So there must be something incredibly wrong with me for still living with this sliver of doubt. With this cursed question that swirls inside my mind right now. That sometimes sneaks up on me and won’t let me sleep.

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