Page 51 of Toy No More

Lowering my eyes, I feel the words push against my lips. My stupid,stupidthoughts want to get out, and even at risk of ruining the moment, I finally release them. For the very first time, I allow the question that’s been following me for so long to come into being. “Can I ask you something serious?”

He glances down at me with a curious huff. “What?”

I open my mouth, realizing how dry and tight my throat feels. “Were you telling the truth…back then, when you caught me in your hotel room? Did you mean what you said, or did you not shoot me just because you liked my scent and my face and saw promise in that?” I quiver at the end there, almost against my will.

Jasper’s eyes fixate on me and he…stays quiet.

My heart pounds inside my chest. Why isn’t he responding? Isn’t this something one should have a quick answer for?

Right as I feel the panic climb to dangerously high levels, Jasper reaches to my face and pulls it close, giving me a soft kiss on the forehead. “How many times do I have to tell you to not worry your pretty little head about the past? It’s gone. It’ll never not be gone.”

I dart my eyes across his face, trying to read him. He only smiles and pets my hair, pushing me to lie down on the pillow with him. Clapping his hands, he turns the lights off.

“Let’s sleep,” he says and I say nothing else, too paralyzed to do anything but lay there.

He didn’t…answer my question.

I stare at the ceiling for what feels like hours. What was my reflection before is now twisted by darkness and shadows, morphing into unsettling shapes that make my already tight chest even tighter. The rattling sensation doesn’t go away, no matter how long I lie there, motionless and trying to let my mind move on or unwind.

Jasper next to me lets out regular breaths. He’s deep asleep. Has been for a while. Even the world outside has gone quiet. Rolling onto my side, I reach for my phone to check on the time.3 AM.

I sigh. If I’ve been lying here wide-eyed and anxious for that long, there’s no point in continuing. Quietly, to not wake Jasper up, I get out of the bed. I shiver when my feet touch the cool floor and grab my thick, fluffy robe from the armchair next to me. With the phone in my hand, I wander into the kitchen, standing in the middle of it for a few moments.

Should I have a drink to help me?Getting high would put me to sleep nicely. There used to be times like this when I couldn’t rest without the aid of drugs.

Shaking my head, I walk away.A bath, maybe?

I look down at my phone, knowing that the only way to make me feel better is to talk to someone. But will that someone want to talk to me?

“You’re stupid,” I mutter to myself.

I quietly move across the apartment and click open the balcony door. I glance over my shoulder, making sure Jasper’s still asleep, and he is. I carefully close the door behind me and exhale deeply, my breath turning white in front of me. Instead of being cold, my anxiety keeps me uncomfortably sweaty.

I lean against the railing and watch the city’s skyline for a while. It’s beautiful, it really is. The city I’ve lived in my entire life. I never thought I would be able to see it from a place like this. That I’d be able to make my way out of the gutters of it to a life of comfort up top.

Comfort.Why does that word sound so empty?

I put the ringing phone to my ear.Let’s get this over with. I’m still trying to understand why I care so much. Will he even bother to pick up? Does he want to talk to me? Either way, my knees feel unsteady, and not just because of the icy night air wrapping around my legs.

Finally, he picks up. My heart gallops as I listen to his confused grunts. “Wh-what’s going on? Apollo?”

I open my mouth, but too many words want to come out at the same time. Biting down at my lip, I try to steady my thoughts. “Hey…”

Kobe groans. “Do you have any idea what time it is?”

He sounds annoyed.Understandably. Why does it put a smile on my face? “I…yeah. Sorry about that, I…couldn’t fall asleep,” I say hesitantly. Another dissatisfied exhale of someone forcibly woken up in the middle of the night lets me know how he truly feels. And yet…I can’t help but feel so damn happy that he picked up. “I’m sorry. I guess I really am a selfish prick,” I say with a bitter chuckle, looking down at my fingers that restlessly brush against the edge of the metal railing.

Kobe sighs into the phone, only this time the emotion behind it seems to be different. “Seriously, what is this about? Are you in trouble?” he asks, sounding more awake now, though his voice is still a little gruff. I imagine him in his bed, all cute, sleepy and messy.

“I-I’m fine.”That didn’t sound very believable, did it?“I wanted to…needed to talk.”

“I figured.”

He has a right to be angry. “I’m sorry for what Jasper did in the car. He… I wasn’t in on it. Wasn’t comfortable with it. But he won’t cause any problems, I swear.” As I say those words, I realize they probably hold no meaning to Kobe. Does he believe me at all, or am I back to being someone no one can trust? I hated being that person.

“Is that what you’re calling to apologize for?” Kobe asks sharply.

I quickly swallow a biting response.Dammit.

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