Page 52 of Toy No More

“No, I… I’m sorry. I didn’t say it just to be self-deprecating or to please you. Iama selfish prick. You were right,” I whisper in an attempt to hide the tremble in my voice. “And I’m not saying all this to make you feel bad for me. I just need you to know. Before I started working in the Dollhouse, before I met Jasper, I… My life wasn’t exactly great,” I say with a faint chuckle.

Why are my hands trembling? I’m not even cold. Instead, a trickle of sweat tickles down the skin between my shoulder blades.

“I learned, ever since I was young, that I had to be selfish to survive. When I wasn’t, I would get hurt. Caring for other people, or thinking of them first…always ended up making things worse for me. And I really didn’t want them to be worse than they were…”

I pause, glancing over my shoulder to make sure Jasper is still asleep. It feels like I’m saying stuff I shouldn’t. Opening a part of me only he should be privy to. If I had told him this, I know what he would’ve said. That being selfish is good. One doesn’t become powerful by looking after others. Survival of the fittest and all that.

“I don’t want to be like this. Trust me, I… It’s notme. The world made me this way. Even now, when I don’t live every day in crisis mode, that mindset stays with me. I can try to fight it, but it’s hard. It’s not easy for me.”

Shit, that sounds like I’m putting all the blame and responsibility on anyone but myself. Not the best apology, Apollo.

“Of course it would,” Kobe says, ever so understanding to an infuriating degree. I hear the pity behind his words and usually I despise it when people pity me. Look at me as if I’m some fragile little thing. I don’t understand why it feels different with Kobe. It frustrates me, and yet…a part of me flutters with delight.

“No, listen to me. You…you were right. I didn’t think about you. I knew that if he’d find out—and I convinced myself that he wouldn’t—he would only get angry at me. I could deal with the aftermath of that, I told myself. But I didn’t consider what the consequences of lying to Jasper could be for you. I didn’t think about your family or your position. I’m sorry for that, Kobe.”

The weight of each second as I wait for his answer is suffocating.

He’s quiet. Seconds feel like hours. Why is he quiet?

“I appreciate that,” he finally says, voice as gentle as it always is when he talks to me. Nothing like when he shouted at me at the loading dock. Quietly, I let out a shaky huff of relief. Still, it doesn’t feel like enough, even if I don’t have the right to just…what, have him forget what happened and acted like everything is fine? Isthatwhat I want? “You didn’t do it maliciously, so…”

“Jasper knows now. Not that…we slept together,” I add hesitantly, in the spirit of being honest. “But he said that we can. I swear to you. If…if you still want to continue with it, that is.”

My body tenses uncomfortably at the realization that Kobe would be well within reason to want to simply end whatever this is. I made him bottom for me. Did he even really enjoy it? Coupled with the risks of everything else, he might cut his losses and become just another person I keep seeing around. Another cold, emotionless face.

He’s quiet for a while again, before he finally sighs, like he had an argument with himself and came to a conclusion. “I think I just need a bit of time before…doing anything else. A few days, or weeks, maybe. To get my head together and process my feelings.”

I feel a wave of disappointment hit me. Swallowing hard, I do my best to suppress it in my words. “Of course. Yeah. Take all the time you need,” I say, even if deep down, I know what that means. I’ve been let down before. This is just a gentle way of doing it.

“I’m not saying no,” he says, sounding as though he’s smiling.

How is he reading my mind?My cheeks heat at the image of him sitting in his bed, smiling at me gently, watching me with those soft brown eyes as he says it.

“Okay,” I whisper, trying my hardest to believe him.

“Go to sleep, Apollo. Don’t stay up worrying on my behalf. I’d hate that.”

Smirking to myself, I nod.Of course he would.

“Alright. And sorry again—for waking you up.”

“I’ll see you around. Sleep well,” he says in that honeyed tone, and suddenly, I am sure that I’ll sleep like a baby.

Chapter 15

Kobe

Itoccurstomeit’s been over a week since Apollo and I last spoke when I see him walk across the Dollhouse floor with a client by his side, looking as handsome and ethereal as ever. He hasn’t reached out to me. Hasn’t pushed for contact more than the acknowledging nod here and there. I somewhat expected him to, but he’s respected my demand for space. It has helped my anger and frustration at him to dissipate almost completely.

Jasper hasn’t given me any more reasons to worry, either. He’s been as scarily unpredictable and moody, but no weird remarks or comments hinting at anything about me or Apollo. Even if a part of me is still paranoid, I choose to believe he’s okay with it, like he claimed. Like they both do.

In fact, everything seems to get on the right track in my life. And just as that thought enters my mind, I feel my phone buzz inside my pocket. Moments like these nearly have me believe in the existence of some higher power, because only some all-knowing being could have this sense of humor.

Skyler’s school is calling me—that never means anything good.

Trey, who’s walking in front of me as we head to Jasper’s office, pauses when he notices me stopping and turns to me.

“I need to take this,” I blurt.

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