Page 70 of Toy No More

As I look down at my hands, dark spots dance at the edges of my vision.No, no, no.The panic wraps around my ribs and it feels like it won’t ever let go.‘You know that feeling,’ a croaky voice in my head says.‘You’ll never forget it. And now he knows it too.’

Tears burst into my eyes, but I bite down at my lip and shake my head. Kobe doesn’t seem to pay attention. His eyes are closed again and his breathing slow. Somehow, looking at him makes the dread weaken, so I lock onto him like he’s a beacon of light and start gently brushing his hair out of his face. I run my fingers over his head carefully until he lets out a soft whimper of relief. Shakes still pass through him every now and then, so I sit with him, kneeling on the ground between his legs, holding him softly, hoping to make him feel better.

“Have to…go home,” he says drunkenly.

I frown with a sharp, “No,” and tighten my grip on his thigh, letting him know he’s not going anywhere. “You’re in no condition to drive. Just give the medicine a little more time. Then…you need to try to sleep this off. Shower, drink a lot of water, and sleep. Do nothing else.”

‘But that might not help. This could break his mind. What Jasper did might’ve cracked him beyond repair,’the cruel voice rumbles again, making me jerk my head to the side.

Stubbornly pressing my lips together and flaring my nostrils, I keep studying Kobe.

No, he’s strong. Much stronger than me. This won’t crush him, but he never should have gone through it. I realize the spot in the warehouse was from his vomit when I notice a few marks around the collar of his shirt, and my heart’s wrought by pain even more.

Slowly but surely, that pain transforms inside of me into anger. An anger I worry I don’t know what to do with, yet I don’t want to get rid of it at all.

We sit in silence for minutes. Ten, twenty, thirty, until Kobe hesitantly raises his head and carefully cracks his neck. Settling his breathing, he sits straight in the car seat and places his hand over mine that holds him.

“Thanks, I…I still feel shit, but I probably should get home before I’m even drowsier. You— The pills you gave me helped with the worst of it, I think. It doesn’t feel like I’m dying anymore,” he says, sounding grateful.

I almost don’t want to let him go. I don’t want to stop caressing and monitoring him, but I know I have to. I too have things to take care of.

“You’re right. Please drive slowly and do what I told you.”

Kobe smiles. “I will.” With an exhale, I stand up and step away. He shifts in the seat to be able to drive, still looking like a truck ran him over, but he needs a proper rest. As he puts his hands on the steering wheel, he turns his head to me with worry in his eyes. “You…be careful, okay?”

The severity of his words makes me pause. I nod and make another step backwards. Even now, he has to be the man who finds the strength to care for my well being.

Of course he does. That’s just who Kobe is.

I watch him leave with a pit in my stomach. He drives slowly like I ordered him to, but I can’t help but imagine all the tragic scenarios of him passing out while driving or not reacting fast enough on the road. His body isn’t right, and he never should’ve been in this situation in the first place.

Flexing my fingers to release some tension, I turn to face the building. Some lights are off, mostly in the bottom area of the Dollhouse. Jasper’s office is still active, and I’m going to make him see me whether or not the goons at his door let me.

Against all my knowledge and experience, against the better judgment of my self-preservation, I allow that anger to fester. Someone like me coming in front of an alpha like Jasper with anger in their soul is a dangerous thing. But I don’t care. He has no right to deny me this. He must know what he did was fucking inexcusable.

I head upstairs again. This time, the halls are quieter. Almost empty. I figure that most of the important talks about what’s to happen must be over. It’s nearly three in the morning. Even in times of ‘war’, people have to sleep.

No one’s outside the office, so I burst in.

The logical part of me wants to start carefully. To ask how he’s handling all of this and then question him about what happened. Unfortunately, that part isn’t at the helm. I’ve allowed my emotions the long overdue release that they’ve so longed for.

“How the fuck could you?!” I scream, stopping in the middle of the room. Jasper sits at his table, like he does every other day, and gives me an unphased, emotionless glare.

That stokes the fires even more. Had I found him here broken down, out of his mind with grief, it could’ve been different. It would’ve made what he did a little less abhorrent. But that’s not what I’m seeing. Of course it isn’t.

Of course it fucking isn’t!

“Do you not remember?!” I continue, more furious with each passing breath that suddenly doesn’t feel like enough to fuel my pounding heart. “I know you do! I know you remember me telling you, because you’re the only person I ever did. Youknowthat my life fell apart because of what that bastard did. That he did the same thing you did, subdued me and twisted my mind with such an insane dose of his pheromones that I couldn’t deal with myself, and the only way I could get over experiencing that was to stick a needle into my arm.You knew that!”

Smacking my fists against his table in rage, tears bursting into my eyes, I finally see a minuscule change in him. Surprise, maybe. I’m too fired up to care what Jasper’s thinking right now.

“So how could you do that to another person? Knowing how fucking cruel and evil and completely fucked up it is?!”

Jasper nearly launches out of his chair. I jerk away in response, but he grabs me before I can even blink and pulls me toward him. I barely hold myself over the table as he tightens his grip around the back of my neck. Those eyes are no longer marked with apathy. Instead, an angry beast stares back at me, one I taunted into striking.

“Even after everything, you still ran straight to him, didn’t you? Ran to his fucking rescue, into his arms, like he’s something special,” he growls, his voice rumbling deep inside his throat.

A wave of fear passes over the fire inside me, tapering it a bit. I try to shake my head, but the way he holds me leaves no space for movement. Pain and fear slowly take hold.

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