Page 76 of Toy No More

I wish life was simpler. Like back when I was still using.

Sure, it sucked. It was killing me slowly and every moment between the hits was torture, but right after I did it, everything became so clear and easy. For a little while, at least.

A rattling sense of unease descends upon me the more I marinate in that thought. A thought I shouldn’t have.

Panic comes next. The same panic I used to feel at the beginning of trying to get sober when I’d think about the urges and the temptations. I feared slipping so much back then, but more than anything, I feared disappointing Jasper. After all, it was his only condition for helping me. That hard line he set itself drove the good half of my success. The other half was my determination to start over and live better, but Jasper was always there. Supporting me. Motivating me. Listening to me like no one did before. I don’t know if I could’ve done it without him.

Now, he isn’t here. He is further away than he’s ever been, it feels, and not just physically. There’s still so much anger brewing inside of me regarding him. The kind of anger and resentment one shouldn’t feel toward their partner. My head’s all boggled up with it.

Confused and alone—the exact diabolical combination that used to bring up the temptation to erase it all.

I grab my phone, unable to shake off the horrible feeling of being terrified of my own mind. I need to talk to someone,anyone, before I do something stupid. Sadie is my first choice. I can’t bother Jasper right now, and I don’t want him to know I’m being like this. It would only make him frustrated with me.

She picks up quickly. “Hey, sugar,” she says in that cheerful, sweet way that makes her the only person who could ever call me that without eliciting the usual disgusted response. Smiling to myself, I shift on the bench, still staring out of the window. It’s a nice day. The sun’s out, sky’s blue, and it seems like that’s exactly what Sadie is enjoying right now. I hear voices in the background—shouting and giggling and lively chatter. She must be out with her kid and family.

And here I am, calling her because I have no one else and can’t stop wishing I could use again.

“Hey, I’m— Sorry to bother you,” I finally say after staying quiet for far too long and wasting her time even further. “I didn’t realize you’d be busy.”

Sadie might love sex more than anyone I know, but it isn’t everything to her. Of course she’s using the rare couple days off work to enjoy it with her loved ones like a normal person.

She must sense from my voice that something’s wrong because when she speaks, her tone is deeper and not as high-energy. “Youknowyou’re not bothering me.”

“What are you up to?”

“Jackson got invited to a birthday party by this posh family in his daycare,” she says, lowering her voice a little, presumably so that saidposh familydoesn’t hear her, “and oh my god, Apollo! It’s like two events in one. One for the kids and another for adults. They hired so many entertainers and gig workers that no one even has to watch their kids. There’s a bar and their garden is massive!”

For the first time today, I smile. The excitement in her words is palpable. I’m glad she’s having fun. “Sounds great.” I hope my voice matches her vibe somewhat.

“You’re not just sitting at home all day, are you?” she asks with a biting undertone. Hearing my chuckle must be enough of an answer. “Come on! You always talk about how you want time off from having everyone glare and paw at you, so enjoy it. Do some shopping. See a movie. Or go for a walk.”

All decent suggestions. All normal things normal people would do. Things I would like to do, in theory.

But when I imagine myself doing them, everything inside of me tenses and my heart recoils deeper into my chest. It seems like a mundane, peaceful existence that isn’t for me. It’s for those who don’t have so much darkness burdening them and have hopes and dreams and interest in things. Comparing myself to them feels wrong.

“Maybe I should,” I mutter, staring blankly into my lap. While I make my tone hopeful, I have no intention of really considering it.

Sadie buys my lie. “Please,do. Okay? Promise me!” she demands.

I know I can’t talk to her anymore, pulling her down from the heights of the nice place she’s in and into my filth, so I chuckle and nod. “Yeah, yeah. I promise I’ll do something fun.” She’s helped me enough, and she deserves to not have to be burdened with my weakness.

“I will want to see proof, mister. Gotta go now. Jackson looks like he’s going to start fist fighting this toddler. Treat yourself! I love you,” she says, and my heart flutters.

“I love you,” I say it back with a smile. Only with Sadie do those words feel pure. Like what they’re supposed to mean. Light and true.

The call ends and after a few moments, the screen in my hands goes dark. I stare at it, wondering when was the last time those words meant something with anybody else.Love. Such a weird, hard-to-grasp thing. But should it be? Or is it just me who’s too messed up to truly comprehend such a basic facet of human existence?

Blinking, I realize tears are pushing their way out. It’s unusual for me to feel this shit even after talking to Sadie.

I unlock my phone again and open the messages.Kobe. I read over the text he sent last night, telling me he’s feeling better and thanking me for my help. All day I worried about him. Or maybe I just used what happened to Kobe to relive my trauma, masochistically delving back into the pain of the past to prove to myself I was over it.

I want to call him, unsure why exactly. Is it because Sadie couldn’t give me the relief I hoped for and I want someone else to deal with this for me? Nothing but my own selfishness again? Or is this feeling that I simply need to hear his voice and make sure that he’s alright real?

Pressing my lips together, I swallow and put the phone down.

What are you doing?

The connection I forced onto him is what got him hurt in the first place. I still can’t believe Jasper did that. To anyone, but of all people, to Kobe. It burns inside my chest, that knowledge, whether it’s because of guilt or anger.

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