Page 86 of Toy No More

But the primal, completely overwhelming sense of terror still rattles my body. I want to cry, out of sheer need to release these intense emotions, yet I’m unable to. And my heart aches. It aches knowing Kobe was the person standing right in the middle of that terrifying nightmare I witnessed. Bloodied, with a bone saw in his hand.

Hearing steps somewhere around me, I jerk upward and turn, worried it’s him. Instead, I see Jasper sauntering toward me with a strangely pitying expression on his face. Like I’m a scared little kid he feels sorry for.

“You weren’t supposed to see that, doll,” he says softly, reaching out for me. I’m still too shaken to even do anything, so I let him grab me by the nape and pull me into his chest. And oh, it is warm. A warm, soft, living person’s body.

I shut my eyes tight, trying to calm myself.

“Sorry you had to witness that, but…well, you should already know that no one in this world avoids getting their hands dirty. No one but the few lucky ones like you,” Jasper whispers with a smug undertone to his voice that makes my stomach twist. “I’d never allow you to be forced to do these horrible things. And thanks to me, you never will. You’re far too fragile, see? Far too precious.”

As he wipes the tear that made its way out from my cheek and smiles at me, I suck in my lip and bite on it.

I’m scared. Scared of being weak, of being powerless. Scared of pushing myself to be stronger, only to fail.

Even in Jasper’s arms, I still don’t feel safe.

Chapter 23

Kobe

Ineverwould’veexpectedthis house to be a secret headquarters for the feds’ operation. It’s so unassuming, though I guess that’s the point. Sitting right in the middle of a residential area full of white picket fence homes, with kids running around playing ball on the streets. On the surface, it has all the markers of a regular home. A kid’s scooter by the garage. A family minivan parked to the side. Silly decorations in the windows. But nothing is what it appears to be, is it?

“Are you listening, Mr. Saber?” The question forces me to stop watching what’s happening outside of the window and turn my attention back to the room full of agents.

Evans gives me the look she’s been giving me since I came here. She probably thinks I’m nervous about being here—and I am—but it’s not the main reason for my anxiety and absent-mindedness.

All I can think about is Apollo and that frightened expression he had when he saw me with the body. It still makes my heart feel like it is being gripped by a cold pair of claws. He was so horrified. As horrified as he should have been seeing a human being cut into pieces. Almost as horrified as I was when Jasper asked me to do it.

I knew it was a trick, but didn’t realize what a fucked up kind. Not just to see how depraved of an order he can give me to test my loyalty. It wasn’t a coincidence Apollo turned up there. Jasper wanted him there. Wanted him to see me like that.

And see he did…

No one has ever looked at me that way before. The fact that it was him, of all people, rips me to shreds.

“Yeah,” I say finally, trying to seem focused.

It feels as if I’ve been here for freaking hours. Signing declarations and official papers. Listening to endless legal drivel. So much so hardly anything they say makes sense to me anymore. At least I understand the main bits;I hope. That I’ll be anonymous to the public after the case and throughout. The limits of what I can and can’t share with other parties, which is basically nothing. I signed the cooperation agreement with terms outlining what they want from me. Surveillance participation. Testifying in court.

I’ve told them everything.The truthful disclosure of my past crimes, as they’ve called it. I was only required to tell them what I did in relation to Jasper Zane’s case, but I told them about all of it. About me killing that man in self defense. Seeing that girl get dragged away. Many worse things that I’ve witnessed in the past months. Even the butchery I was asked to do yesterday. I think Agent Evans saw the genuine guilt and disgust on my face as I talked about it, and that’s why she’s so careful around me now. Of course, I didn’t entirely explainwhyJasper made me do it specifically. I only said it was to test my loyalty.

It felt almost cathartic to get all of my sins off my chest.

And even after admitting all that, my immunity under the proffer agreement should be granted. Well, me not going to prison, rather than a full immunity. I’ll still be on probation when all this is over.

If it ever is…

I did it while bearing their glances. They need my help, yet some of the agents can’t seem to hide their quiet disdain. I’m a criminal. I’m the subspecies of human they spend their lives hunting. But I suppose I’m also the smallest of the evils and can be useful, so that’s why I am here and not in cuffs.

Though maybe I should be.

I can still smell the blood and the guts. My fingers are cracked and painful from how long I washed my hands under the hot water, and yet it feels like I’m not clean. I never will be after that. How could I? I chopped a person into pieces, imagining they were nothing but some prop;knowingthey weren’t. At least they had a bag over their head when I came in. I don’t think I could handle another pair of eyes haunting me in my nightmares.

Rubbing my face, I order myself to pay attention to the paper in front of me. “This is the last one I need to sign?”

The Supervising Special Agent nods. “Once again, you are free,and advised, to consult with a lawyer before—” He pauses at the sound of me scratching my surname above the dotted line.

I don’t care. As long as my family and Apollo are given protection, I will do this and try to fix things.

Someone places a glass of water next to me.

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