Page 89 of Toy No More

Or maybe my body knows his touch and what it could mean if it doesn’t respond to him the way he likes.

My quiet whines as I get harder clearly please him. He kisses more, under that spot right behind my ear that I like, while still not engaging any more or reaching for his own pleasure. That’s unlike him.

“And I need you to be more focused now than ever, so the timing is perfect.”There it is.He’s finally getting to the reason for all of this. “We need one more person from the Rippers on our side to ensure a solid basis for our alliance. With this, our reach would spread way beyond this city and even this country. But he is a demanding man… Difficult to connect with, hard to please. A little extreme, some might say. And yet,” he pauses, brushing some of my hair over my shoulder to place another kiss there, “it looks like gifting him our most skilled, exquisite omega for the night could be what will seal the deal.Ifhe leaves happy.”

Goosebumps form around the site of his touch, and I’m not sure if it’s because of that or his words; the serious implications of them.

“You can do that, can’t you, Apollo? Make him happy, no matter what? It’s what you do best. I’m confident you’re able to handle him, baby.” With a bite on my earlobe and a painful twist of the metal bar in my nipple, Jasper brings me close to the edge. Even as the firm motions of his hand speed up and my quick breaths hitch, the pleasure is separated from me by a thick wall of ice. “For us, for our future.”

“Y-yes,” I whisper, my eyelids growing heavy as I push my head back against him, feeling the pressure in my lower half intensify. “I can do it.”

Ihaveto do it. There’s no other choice.

Jasper places a kiss on my forehead and sends me downstairs after that. My body still feels tingly and weak as I make my way down the stairs, having to hold on to the railing for support.

The client will arrive later. Jasper had already set it up before even asking me. He knew I would say yes, because why wouldn’t I? He’s right—this is what I do. My only skill of any significance. The extent of my value.

I had hoped that this sense of disconnect would fade away by the time I got downstairs. It doesn’t. Filling me with more and more discomfort and a nagging dread, I continue feeling like something is slipping out of my grasp, be it the control of my own body, my mind, or any sort of self-confidence.

Get it together, Apollo, I scream at myself.Get it t—

Among the bustling, vibrant chaos of the Dollhouse, a person catches my eye. Finally, my brain snaps into focus, although I wish I did for a better reason.

Terence.

I think that’s his name, anyway. A short but very muscular guy with a bandana on his head. Always wearing that massive hoodie. I stare at him across the room while he chats up one of the clients having a drink at the bar. They seem familiar with each other, laughing and throwing their hands around as they talk.

I know Terence only by sight and I would’ve avoided or ignored him any other time. After all, the main thing I know about him is that he’s the one you go to when you want drugs. He’s always more than happy tohelp, as I heard him say many times. ‘A little something to forget. A little something to make it through the day sane.’ He’s been careful enough to have Jasper ignore his little side hustle. Makes himself useful in other ways.

My rib cage feels as if it’s a shell being forced open by a nutcracker.

One side of my brain screams at me to abort this train of thought. Alarms blare in the distance, but I’m too tired and distracted to really hear them. Another side of me can focus on nothing else but him and the promise of what he could provide.

He could be the remedy. The cure for these fucking feelings tormenting me. For that incessant pounding of thoughts and fears inside my mind and my heart. I could get rid of it—just like that. Peace. Finally, a moment of tranquility and comfort after so many years of struggling and resisting. How glorious would that feel right now, when I need it the most?

I still remember how great it could be. The bliss. The clarity.Oh, the clarity.

I fight with myself for a while, the muscles at the back of my neck tensing until they hurt. For each reason not to, my brain finds an excuse. Eventually, having to face whatever depraved, ruthless sociopath I have to please tonight is what breaks me. I need this. I need a break to be able to get through it and appease Jasper. I need it to be useful.

Because what am I if I’m not useful?

With the sound of my heart pounding inside my ears, I make my way across the floor to Terence. Everything else goes out of focus as I confidently stroll toward him, already sensing the echoes of what I will experience tickling me on the bottom of my stomach.

I’m only a few feet away when someone grabs me tightly by the wrist and doesn’t let go.

Anger fills me the moment I feel the pull, and I turn around to whoever is stopping me from finally getting the relief I fucking deserve. Once I lock in with Sadie’s concerned, steady eyes, bordered by black eyeliner and intensified by her narrowing brows, everything inside of me stops.

I blink and sharply puff the air out of my lungs. The realization of what I was about to do dawns on me abruptly. What I was about to throw away and lose. Years of work. Almost a decade of sobriety. Countless instances of pure willpower and pain in the name of becoming better…wasted.

“What are you doing?” she asks warily. “I noticed you as you were walking, and I didn’t like your expression. Are you…” Glancing to where I was looking, Sadie’s face twists into even more pronounced concern. She, too, knows who Terence is. “Apollo?”

While I felt nothing but the promise of relief moments ago, now I plummet into the depths of guilt and shame. I open my mouth, but no words come out.

“You’re not in a good headspace,” she mutters, loosening her grip on me only to take my other hand and pull me to her. “Come.”

I follow her to the backroom, aimlessly flowing behind her, grateful for that guidance more than she could understand. The growing pressure inside of me turns into tears that threaten to burst out by the time Sadie sits me in my chair. There’s no one around, thank god. Only me, sitting slumped and staring ahead blankly, and her.

Sadie kneels down in front of me, both of her hands firmly clasping mine.

---