Page 93 of Toy No More

As I hear my own words, my body tenses. With each one of them, I feel myself moving further and further away. I never would have questioned Jasper before.

He was my world. My everything. Hegaveme everything. A life without being dependent and desperate and in fear. He was the first to really love me, to stick with me. So how can I even think this way? How can I allow myself to see him in this light?

How can I admit to myself that what I’m seeing is the ugly truth?

Kobe narrows his lips. “He wanted you to see it. You know he did, Apollo.”

I clench my teeth and draw my brows together. Again, I step away, even though the realization sinks in. Why is pain all I feel when I think about Jasper now? It used to be different. And why is a single glance at Kobe enough to make me melt, to remind me of the way he called my name and how magical it felt to be vulnerable and real?

‘This is just a distraction,’a voice inside my head says, eerily similar to Jasper’s. What am I really doing here? There’s nothing I can do. My life is a cage. I can’t leave. I can’t leave him because I’d be nothing without him.

Because he would never let me go.

“Apollo,” I hear Kobe in front of me, but I keep shaking my head, unable to stop myself from spiraling. Even as he touches me. Even as he takes my hands and pulls me close.

Not until I feel his lips on mine.

With a deep exhale into his mouth, I close my eyes and finally ease. His soft lips glide against mine with the perfect amount of pressure. The scent of him seeps into me. With his hand softly holding the back of my head, I let out a quiet whimper of pleasure and relief.

He kisses me in a way Jasper never did.

In a way I’ve dreamed about when I was young and naïve. Like lovers do in the movies. The big, explosive, meaningful exclamation of love that brings comfort and displays unconditional devotion. I think this is what it’s supposed to feel like.

When we finally pull apart, it’s as if I’m being robbed of the very thing that’s keeping me alive. It pulls the air out of my lungs and it takes everything out of me to not reach for him again.

“Ihatedsaying it,” he says, still holding me close. His nose brushes against mine, making me shiver. “But I had to say it. If…if I told you there was a way out of this, a way to stop this madness and maybe get a happy ending, would you believe me?”

I blink and meet his eyes with confusion. What does he mean? That’s only a dream. A stupid dream.

He seemingly takes my hesitant silence as agreement. “I’m asking you to trust me. I ambeggingyou to trust me on this. I can’t tell you more and I’m sorry, so all I’m asking you is to believe me when I say I’m doing it all for both of us to be safe. I’m doing the right thing. Can you do that?” There’s so much tension in his voice. Desperation that claws against the walls I’ve been trying to build around my heart.

Feeling the burn of tears in my eyes, I nod. With a deep exhale, Kobe pulls me close and presses his forehead against mine. His touch is warm, so warm, and his breath against my face feels like being wrapped in a cocoon of safety.

“Thank you,” he whispers.

Somehow, those two words seem to carry more than all the ‘I love you’s I’ve ever heard.

Chapter 25

Kobe

Iinhalesharply,tryingto get as much smoke into my lungs and nicotine into my bloodstream as I can. After all, I need it. Really,reallyneed it.

The USB stick in my pocket feels like it’s burning a hole through it. After weeks of research, cooperation and gathering information, the feds concluded thatthisis our best shot. Me, somehow managing to plug in that tiny little device into Jasper’s computer, which will give them access to his system and everything on it. I know nothing about hacking, so I believe them. The only problem is the opportunity to get the virus in.

While Jasper has been less aggressive toward me these past two weeks since I’ve stopped talking to Apollo, it’s not like I’m one of the people who would easily have access to his office. Definitely not alone or without a good reason.

And of course, the cameras are stillinhis office—cameras watching the exact computer I need to get to.

Sighing, I hang my head down and play with the ash that’s fallen down to my feet.

I wonder if Apollo’s doing okay. We haven’t talked or texted since he came to my apartment. If Jasper is recording everyone and everything, he might as well be checking his phone, whether or not Apollo knows about it. So it’s safer to act like what I told him is true. Which means no contact. Nothing but fading, quick glances in the Dollhouse.

Glances that hopefully portray how much Idowant to talk to him. And be near him. And touch him.

“Goddammit,” I mutter, dropping the finished cigarette to the ground.

I need to get these feelings under control until everything’s done. I can’t fuck this up.

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