Page 86 of Broken Country

“Oh, are you leaving?” Tessa says, when I stand.

I nod.

“Hold on two secs, I have something for you.”

I watch as Tessa sits down at her desk beneath the window. I remember coveting it the first time I saw the desk with its pretty mother-of-pearl inlays, the secret hidden drawers with their dainty gilt handles.One day, I thought,I will buy myself a desk like this and fill it with treasure. Love notes and rare feathers, strangely shaped pebbles, secret poems. Ribbons and stamps and bottles of bright-colored ink.

Tessa crosses the room and hands me an envelope. “No need to look at it now. But it will help, whatever you decide.”

I open it, of course. Inside is a check for a thousand pounds, the name left blank. I gasp. My parents earn less than this in a year. “It’s too much.”

“Nonsense. I insist you take it. A lot of girls in your situation choose adoption. I can recommend a very good agency in Knightsbridge.”

I stare at the rose-pink carpet, dangerous feelings whirring through me. “My” situation. Not Gabriel’s. This is how it works in this world of hers.

“Beth?” Tessa waits until I look up at her. “I ask one small thing in return. Promise you won’t tell Gabriel about the pregnancy. His life at Oxford is just beginning, I couldn’t bear for this to ruin his prospects. And if you do decide to keep it, could you be discreet about the baby’s father?”

I don’t answer her. I can’t. It’s fine for my life to be derailed so long as her precious son’s remains intact.

“Is that a yes?”

I nod my assent. It’s the only way I can get out of the room, the house, the entire toxic universe of the family Wolfe.

Outside, I stand on the steps for a moment, taking in the paradisial acres, the lake with its gliding white swans, a glorious setting for our short-lived love story. Turns out, it was nothing but an illusion.

I draw fresh air deep into my lungs. Breathe out all the ugliness of the past thirty minutes.

It is over. It is over. It is over.

On the last day of term, I am called to the headmistress’s office.

“What now?” Helen says, worried.

She is my best friend and I have always told her everything. But the secret growing inside my belly is mine alone, for now.

My thoughts are no longer on Shakespeare or the Brontë sisters or St Anne’s College, Oxford. I am not interested in Charles Dickens and his depiction of the industrial revolution. I do not care about the Christmas parties I have been invited to, nor the dresses my classmates plan on wearing to them. I gaze out of my classroom window, knowing my life is about to change forever. But, for a short while, there are only two of us in this private bubble of mine, me and my unborn child. It feels sacred, somehow. I don’t want to share it.

I knock at the headmistress’s door thinking how much I have changed in a matter of weeks. There is nothing she could say to hurt me now. It’s strange but I feel protected by the tiny, precious secret within me.

“Elizabeth. Come in and sit down.” She gestures to the chair on the other side of her desk.

She has a small Christmas tree in her office, decorated with red, silver, and gold baubles by some of the first form. Once upon a time, I was one of those girls, eleven years old and thrilled to be invited inside Sister Ignatius’s private enclave.

“I considered bringing in Father Michael, the school governor, for this meeting but I decided, in the circumstances, discretion would be best. This matter is for you and me alone.”

For a moment we regard each other, the nun and I, my head spinning with questions. Does she know? How could she? There are only two people in the world who know I am pregnant. Me and Tessa Wolfe. It can’t be Gabriel’s mother. All she cared about was keeping my pregnancy hushed up for as long as possible.

“I have written to your parents this afternoon to inform them that regrettably you won’t be returning to the convent next term, Elizabeth.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I think you do.”

“Please explain it to me.”

“You’re courageous, I admire that about you. The school has decided it is no longer appropriate to keep you here. Places are discretionary and fiercely sought after, as you know. We have decided to offer your place to a pupil who is able to adhere to the school’s moral code of conduct. We expect our girls at the top of the school to set a strong example for the younger pupils. And you made no attempt to conceal your unseemly behavior, Elizabeth, quite the opposite. However, this is not an expulsion as such and I have explained that to your parents. We invite you back to sit your A level exams here in June if you should so wish.”She stares at me, hard. “Although I think that most unlikely. Don’t you?”

“Who told you?”

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