Page 101 of The Attraction

“But I wasn’t. I’m here, I’m fine, it’s over. I need you to know I wasn’t letting you walk away from me without a fight. I told you I’d let you go, but it was only temporary. Because I knew what I had to do. I fought for you, Harper. I will always fight for you, do you hear me?”

Tears are now streaming down my face, and I can’t stop them. “Why?” is all I can say, and really, it is one word that covers so many questions, but the main one that is bursting from me now is, “I’m not worth fighting for.”

“Oh, baby, I will fight for you no matter what… I will fight for you because I love you, Harper. A love for you that took me by surprise but now lives inside me with such strength that I can’t deny it even if I wanted to, which I don’t. And as much as I tried to show you so you wouldn’t panic, now you need to hear the words. You don’t need to say anything, but you do need to feel it deep down. I’m not going anywhere, and I can wait as long as you need. But Harper, you are it for me, and I just hope that I’m enough to be that person for you too.”

The dam breaks, and I fall into his arms, sobbing on his shoulder. It’s like he can see all the turmoil that I have lived with for so long and in his own way is taking each piece of it and putting me back together. I don’t know how long I cry for, but I try to pull my emotions under control by focusing on his breathing. It’s slow and calm, telling me the words he just expressed have not freaked him out in any way. He truly feels love for me and he is not scared of that.

What more could I ask for in a man?

Matching my breathing to his gives me the ability to talk a little more rationally.

“I have so much I planned on telling you too, but it all seems to pale in comparison to your bombshell, which will take time for me to unpack, that’s for sure.” Sitting up again, I face him because I never want to forget this moment.

“No matter how much I tried to deny this, or run away from the enormity of it, your love for me was so big that it pulled me in too. I was scared of it hurting me or being the reason that I couldn’t do this, yet your love was the opposite. It gave me the strength to take steps I should have taken years ago. All because I wanted to continue to feel more of that love. I wanted to be a woman worthy of that love, and I needed to step back to see if I could be.” The smile creeping up his face is like a ray of sunshine.

“But you wouldn’t let me forget you. Making sure I couldn’t stop thinking about you every morning, being your bossy self, making sure I ate, and driving me nuts with your names. Then as I laid my head down at night, longing for you to hold me so I wasn’t scared. It was then I knew you were so far under my skin that I liked it, and I wasn’t ready to let you go. So, I have been seeing Cherie who has been helping me work through some things, and she not so politely told me I was an idiot if I let you go, but I had already worked that out.” Reaching closer because I can’t stay away anymore, I gently kiss his forehead and look deep into his eyes.

“I love you too, Forrest, and I know I have more work to do on myself, but you’re mine too, and like you, I will fight anyone who tries to take you from me. Apparently being a bit possessive is the new me.”

“Nothing new about that,” Forrest mumbles, and we both laugh.

“Oh, just shut up and kiss me, will you. That way I can say breaking my rules of no touching or kissing was all your fault.” Not moving my head even a fraction, I wait for him to come to me.

“You don’t have to tell me twice.”

The moment our lips touch is like the world shifts and everything falls into perfect alignment again.

“My heart has been aching for you.” Forrest pulls back slightly as he whispers these words and then pushes his hand into my hair and takes me with a kiss that is all about reminding me that my heart aches for him too.

As much as I want this and so much more, I push away and leave us both panting, and his eyes are full of that lust that I love so much.

“I want this, oh God, how I want this, but I promised myself I wouldn’t, and I need to stay true to that. It’s part of my healing that I need to take this slow. I can’t just jump straight back to where we were. Plus, I don’t want to fuck you when I’m still so pissed off with you. Don’t think I have forgotten what you said, and we are about to discuss that further.”

“Beautiful, I told you I’ll wait. The fact you are still thinking about fucking me is enough for me right now. Because to be honest, I’m not sure I’m in the best shape for that today. Let me just hold you. I need that just as much as you do.” And it’s the hint of vulnerability in his voice that does me in.

“It looks like we have both been on an emotional roller coaster this week, and we have a lot to discuss. Let me message Felisha to tell her I’m not coming in.” I try to move to go get my phone, but he won’t let me go.

“By now she knows, and if I’m a good judge of my future sister-in-law, she is in the middle of ear-bashing my brother for keeping all this from her. Plus, he is holding her back from marching over here to lecture me too. So, I think we are covered there.”

I can’t stop myself from laughing out loud. “Oh, I can just picture it. You Taylor men have really put yourselves in the shit this week, haven’t you.” I snuggle into his body again, but as softly as I can so I don’t hurt him.

“Oh, you have no idea how deep. But luckily, we both have women in our lives who will forgive us… eventually.” His voice is a lot more confident than earlier when he first told me.

“We’ll see,” I reply and close my eyes as I just lie here, listening to him breathe. A sound I’ll never get sick of hearing.

* * *

Breakfast went cold, but we ate it anyway as we spent the morning sorting through the awful events of Chicago and how hurt I was that the boys and my security team kept information from me. Part of me understands why, but it still doesn’t make it right, and it is something that, going forward, Forrest now knows my stand on it. Deceit is a dealbreaker for me.

After we got through the anger, upset, and then the emotional breakdown I fell into as I watched the video of Forrest and Chester, we spent time in the playroom, and it was just the distraction we both needed to reset. We then spent the afternoon talking through where I was at mentally and how much Cherie had helped me to start sifting through the fog I was living in. Forrest is so supportive of me continuing with my sessions and doing whatever I need to do to feel empowered in my own life. To become my authentic self, not pinned down by trauma or fear anymore. Then I will be able to give him everything I am, without fear.

Both of us are standing side by side looking out the window from his apartment down at the city below that has kept moving like usual today, while we were in our own little bubble where it felt like time stood still. My body is tired and tells me it’s time to leave, as hard as that will be.

“I’m exhausted,” I confess as the sky starts to darken outside, and I can tell he is too.

“Harper.” He takes my chin in his hand and lifts it up to look at him. “Can you do one favor for me?”

I know I can’t promise anything until I know what he’s asking. “I’ll try.”

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