Page 90 of The Attraction

“Because I ran from him.” I’m now yelling at her because I’m struggling with all the chaos that’s happening around me.

“You ran, but it’s his fault? Don’t you think that’s unfair?” And for the first time, I land a punch into her chest, because I’m mad at her now too.

“No. I told him it was just sex, nothing more. He agreed, but he lied. It all changed, and I couldn’t stop it no matter how hard I tried,” I scream.

“What changed, Harper?”

“Him, me, everything. He did what I told him not to. He fucking fell in love with me.” The anger in me at that statement shows as I start pushing at her harder.

“And why is that an issue?”

“Because I’m not worthy of anyone’s love. I’m just not enough.”

“Enough what?” Cherie yells at me as she starts throwing her legs out at me a little too, and I’m trying to move around the mat away from her all the time, plus dodge her punches.

“Enough of anything! To love enough, to want enough to make an effort, enough that I’m worth fighting for.” I can feel the more I yell, that tears are coming to my eyes, and I don’t want that, but I can’t stop it. My body is starting to ache, and my brain is screaming at me, but it’s my heart that is starting to cry. And with the first sob that leaves my mouth, the words I have been holding so close to my heart are rolling off my tongue.

“To love me enough to stay.” Another sob follows that one, and I know I’m in trouble. She has broken the lock, and for the first time, I have told someone my greatest fear. Stopping and standing still, Cherie just lets that sink in for me. And it fucking hurts.

The water is streaming down my face, and I can’t stop it because my clenched fists are frozen in the air in front of me, ready to fight off the world.

Cherie takes a step closer to me and gently pushes my hands down so my arms are now just hanging by my side. “And how does that make you feel?” Her voice is soft and full of compassion.

“Worthless and broken,” I whisper.

“Good.” I look at her like she is crazy, while she’s looking back at me like she has won the fight. “Now we begin here and start your climb back up. Because this pain you are feeling right now, we are going to use that to drive you so you don’t fall back to this unsettled place in your life again. Take off the pads and take a seat, let’s talk, and then I’m going to teach you a few self-defense lessons at the end of each session, because, girl, you can’t fight for shit.” Cherie starts pulling off her padding and takes a spot on the couch as I do the same with a small laugh, because she’s right. I was slapping like a teenage girl in a schoolyard fight. And if I was ever really in trouble, then that skill would be absolutely useless.

* * *

“Okay, so let me see if I’ve got this. You have had two men in your life that you love, your father and Forrest. One left you and the other you ran from because you didn’t want him to leave you as well.” She takes my hand and holds it, and I don’t recoil like I usually do.

“Keep going, it doesn’t hurt as much when you say the words.” I shrug as I wipe another stray tear from my cheek.

“Uh-uh. That’s not how this works. Let’s talk about your father first, tell me about him.” Cherie’s words start me off on talking about a man who I loved so deeply, and I’m starting to learn, I still do.

The more I talk the easier it gets, and I tell her everything, about growing up and then the shock of him leaving. Surprisingly also about my nightmares and what I remember from some of them, including what Forrest explained he has seen me do in the midst of a dream.

“So, you said you have hated your father for a very long time, but that has changed recently, why?” There is something about this woman that makes me just come straight out with the answer.

“Forrest. I hate to say this, but he is like you.”

Cherie gasps and places her hand over her heart in a joking manner, which makes me giggle.

“Yeah, there’s a new one for you, but he’s like you in that he has this uncanny way of making me talk about things I’ve had locked up tight on the inside for so long. Then all of a sudden, I’m telling him things, and by saying them out loud, there are pieces to a puzzle that I didn’t know were missing and that start to click into a place where there has been a hole in me for a long time. I know that all sounds weird, but Forrest helped me to see that my father didn’t leave because he didn’t care about his family. I think it might have been the opposite, that it was because he loved us so much and wanted to protect us. That’s what started to soften my feelings for my father and see him in a different light. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still angry at him and hurt by what he did, but I don’t hate him with the venom that I once did.”

“That’s a really great start, and I think you are on the right track with that. We will continue to work through that in a few more sessions.” Pausing, she then says the words I’ve been dreading. “Now, let’s talk about Forrest.”

“Do we have to?” I pretend to complain like a child.

“Isn’t that why you’re here?” She shrugs her shoulders at me.

“Is it?” Again, my humor is there, trying to protect me from sharing my pain.

“You tell me, Harper. Do you want to admit to yourself that you love him and want more, or can you live like this for the rest of your life? That’s a choice only you can make. Not even Forrest has the power to decide that for you, as much as I’m sure he thinks he does. What do you really want to get from all this, Harper?” Cherie’s watching me as I wrestle with the words in my head, trying to get them to make sense before I answer.

“To love and be loved without fear.” I look at her, and the tears spring back to my eyes.

“Then I think Forrest’s a great place to start, wouldn’t you agree?”

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