Page 102 of The Plan

I keep whispering to her how sorry I am, but my sorrys won’t bring back our baby. A baby I didn’t know was growing inside her. A baby we would've been amazing parents to, given the chance. That chance was stolen from us tonight, and it’s all my fault.

A sob of my own breaks through, and we hold each other as she cries so hard that nothing comes out, and her screams go silent. “I didn’t know. I swear I—”

“Shh, I know, bab—” I cut myself off, not even wanting to say that word. “I know, my love. It’s okay.” If she knew she waspregnant, she would've told me. I try to think how this is possible and then remember the few times she forgot to take her birth control.

“It’s not okay, Sire. None of this is okay.” She sounds destroyed, and I feel her begin to shutter against me, falling into another silent cry, and tears begin to blur my vision again.

“I know.” I smooth her hair and kiss her forehead as a few more of our tears fall.

“Sire?” Her voice is so soft that I can barely hear her.

“Yeah?” She takes a while to respond. I begin to think she didn’t say my name to begin with.

She looks up at me and wipes my tears, then pulls away and squeezes her eyes shut like it hurts to touch me, to even look at me. “This isn’t your fault, but—” Her voice cracks, and she takes in a ragged breath. “But I need you to leave.” I feel myself go still against her.

“Vidia…”

“Please.” Her voice is soft again, just above a whisper. Her eyes are still shut, but tears are somehow still streaming down her cheek. I reach to wipe them but stop myself. She can’t even look at me; she doesn’t want me to touch her. She doesn’t want anything to do with me.

She says this isn’t my fault, but her actions say it is, and her actions are definitely a lot louder than her words right now. I rise from the bed, and she keeps her eyes shut tight as she pulls her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around herself.

She begins to sob again, and I just want to hold her, take it all away. She doesn’t deserve this. She’s obviously still in a lot of pain, that much I can see, even with her eyes closed. I just can’t tell if it's emotional or physical. Maybe it's both.

I take one last look at her, trying to memorize her. Even if I never want to remember this day, if this is the last time I’ll see her, I want to soak in as much as I can.

Taking in not nearly enough of her, I turn around and walk out, leaving two pieces of myself behind. This is my fault, whether she wants to admit it to both herself and me or not.She hates me.

Vidia

I feel so empty. Everythinghurts, but I still feel… empty, like nothing’s there. I finally open my eyes when I know Sire is gone and look back at my stomach.

“I’m so sorry. I’m a horrible mom, and you’re not even here yet.”Yet? Yet means it’ll be here eventually, but it won’t. Not ever.I break into another sob and hold myself. I should’ve known I was pregnant. I shouldn’t have been driving so fast.

I hear someone coming in, and I can tell by the weird perfume smell it isn’t Sire. When I look up through teary eyes, the doctor is writing something, and an intern is staring at me. I pull the sheets over me, knowing what’s coming but not wanting it to come.

“Vidia, I know this is very hard for you, and you’re in a lot of pain, but we need to—”

“I don’t want to.” My voice comes out so low and numb I could barely hear myself. She wants to make sure my uterus is empty, that my body passed the baby I didn’t even get to meet or name or even acknowledge for more than a day.

“Vidia, you—”

“I said no. Give me my discharge papers. I’m leaving.” Confirming this will make it real, and this can’t be real. I feel aweight on my chest, and it’s so hard to breathe. I feel like I’m fucking drowning in this place.

“I need you to understand what will happen if you leave and the tissue is—”

“The baby,” I correct her. “It’s a baby not tissue. It’s my baby.” She lets out a sigh like this is harder forherthan it is for me. Likeherbaby is the one that’s dead insideher.

I feel my eyes blur again and throw the sheet off my lap; there's blood on the sheets between my legs but no clots.

“Vidia—” I move her arm off me, and the simple action hurts, but either way, I rise from the bed and pull the curtain, making my way to leave.

I limp away but only make it a few steps when another pain shoots through my stomach. I suck in a breath of air and crouch over, holding my stomach. “Why does this hurt so fucking much?”

I try to stop myself, but another cry breaks through, and I fall to my knees. I’m so fucking tired. I can’t do this. Not alone. Someone is screaming, and when I look around, everyone has their eyes on me.

I’m the one screaming.I cover my mouth with my hands, trying to cover my sobs. Arms come around me, and when I open my eyes, I recognize it’s Hazel, kneeling down on the ground with me. “I just saw Sire walk out. I was so worried. Are you okay?”No, I’m not okay. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay.

“Me duele. Todo me duele, Hazel.” I doubt she can understand me between my sobs, but she cups my face and wipes my tears.

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