Page 104 of The Plan

“It’s not up to her, Vidia.” I feel the bed sink as the doctor sits on the edge of it. I pull away from Hazel and wipe my tears as I look over at the doctor.

“Please don’t take my baby.” She gives me a sad look, like she isn’t going to listen to my pleas, but I beg either way. “I didn’t know I was pregnant, I swear. I’m sorry for yelling at you.”

“It's okay that you yelled. This is hard for you, and I’m sure you didn’t know you were pregnant, Vidia. You were only six weeks.” I flinch as she sayswassix weeks instead ofamsix weeks, as if I’m not pregnant anymore. But I am.

“I can be a good mom, I promise, just—” My voice breaks, but I keep going. I need to keep going. “Just please don’t take my baby. Please let me keep it.”

“I’m sure you would be an amazing mom, Vidia.” I give her a small smile, but it’s wiped clean by her next words. “But not to this baby.” I slowly close my eyes and let my head fall.

“But I wantthisbaby. I wantthisbaby to grow.”

Hazel takes my hand in hers. “You can still be an amazing mom to this baby.” My head snaps to her. “By letting it go, V.” She gives me a reassuring nod, but I shake my head with teary eyes. Pulling my hand away from her, I place it on my stomach.

“I want to watch my belly grow and take cute maternity pictures and—” I let out a sob as it hits me that I’ll never have everything I’m envisioning. “I want to record everyone's reaction as I tell them I’m pregnant.” I cling to myself, thinking about how I didn’t even get to have a happy reaction.Sire would’ve been so happy. He would’ve told the whole fucking world he was going to be a dad.

“I want to pick names with him and argue about how we’re not naming our baby after him, then we’ll laugh when I call him arrogant.” I let out a small laugh at the thought of it, but it falls into another sob.

I'm not sure if they can even understand me anymore through my cries.I would’ve been a good mom. I know it.

“Please, just let me keep it, please, please don’t take my baby.”

“Vidia, you know I can’t do that.”

“It’s still in my uterus, it’s fine.” I sound desperate, but that’s because I am.

“You saw there was no heartbeat, Vidia.” I shake my head, forcing my tears to stay at bay.

“It’s fine. It’ll grow and—”

“It won’t grow.” The doctor interrupts, but I ignore her and continue with my dream. Maybe speaking it into existence would work.

“I’ll get to see them walk and talk and—”

“Your baby is gone and—” Why does she keep saying that? It’s still inside me.

“Sire and I will place bets on its first words, and I’ll—”

“You’ll die if I don’t take it out, Vidia.” I squeeze my eyes shut as she takes away all my hope. Although I know it’s false hope, I still hang onto the thought of our life with this baby.

“You know you need to let her do this, Vidia.” I keep my eyes closed, not wanting to face Hazel. If I ask her to take me home, I know she will. She won’t force me to go through with this, but Dr. Mclain is right. I’ll die if I don't, maybe not now, but eventually, I’ll get an infection and feel worse than I do. After sitting in silence in what feels like forever, I agree to let her take away the last thing of us I have.

“Ready?”

“No!” I quickly close my legs and turn to Hazel. “I can’t do this.” She wipes my tears and gives my hand a reassuring squeeze.

“I promise you, you can.” I close my eyes while shaking my head.I can’t. Not without him.

“I want him to be here. He should be here.” I’m somehow not out of tears and sob as I hold onto Hazel like my life depends on it. It feels like it does. It feels like I’m not going to be able to survive this.Not without him.

“Do you want me to call him? I think he’s still outside with August.” He didn’t leave?

I think about it for a second but shake my head. “I don’t need him,” I say, still angry, remembering the party and the argument that got me here.

“Of course you don’tneedhim. You don’t need anyone.” I look over at Hazel and nod, keeping my chin held high. “I asked if youwantedhim.” I shake my head.I don’t need him.I give the doctor a nod for her to begin and squeeze my eyes and Hazel’s hand at the discomfort.

“You’re doing good, Vidia.” The doctor tries to reassure me, but my chest feels like it’s being crushed, and I can’t breathe. I try to take in a breath, but I can’t, and I feel myself panicking.

“Stop,” I somehow choke out.

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