Page 107 of The Plan

I take a seat in my spinny chair and slowly turn myself a few times. Lis stops me and turns the chair so I’m facing her. “So you're knowingly killing yourself?”

“I’m drinking, Lis. I’m not overdosing like you did.” She takes a step back like my hurtful words physically move her.

“Sire!” My eyes stay locked on Lisette’s as August starts yelling. “What the fuck is wrong with you?! She’s trying to help, so shut the fuck up and stop being a fucking dick! Apologize, and don'teversay that shit again!”

Lis holds eye contact, not backing down, not showing I hurt her, but I know I did. That was the point. “He’s just being a bully because he’s trying to push me away. Well, guess what, Sire? Throwing my suicide attempt in my face isn’t going to make me walk away from you.” Guess I’ll have to keep trying. I take another drink and spin my chair so I’m not facing her anymore.

“If you don’t talk to her, I’m calling Sage.” I close my eyes for a brief second. He knows I hate seeing Sage hurt, and it’s going to hurt her when she sees me like this and when I push her away because I will when she tries to help.

“I don’t need any of you to help me. I’m fine.”

“That's another dollar for saying you'refine, but make it ten for being mean.” I take another swig, trying to drown her out. “And you’re not fine. You’re being a little bitch because you’re in pain after your surgery, and Vidia got in an accident. I heardshe’s fine, so what really happened?” I spin back around so I’m facing Lis again.

“She’s notfine,so shut the fuck up.” I feel my blood running hot, and I can’t tell if it’s from the liquor or how pissed that just made me.

Lis looks taken back this time, and she stares at me, almost in shock. “What happened?” Her tone is a lot softer now like she sees something on my face that worries her.

“It’s none of your fucking business. Leave.” She does the opposite and flops onto my bed. Why the fuck did I have to pick such an annoying sponsor? She sits there, lecturing me, but I don’t listen and try to finish the bottle until we wrestle for it. She somehow wins and takes it.

I close my eyes for a few seconds, but when I open them, my room is empty and a blanket is thrown over me. Okay, maybe it’s been a few hours. When I reach for my phone, it’s only four pm.

I squint my eyes at the date and notice it’s four pm, Monday.Shit.I should stop doing this, but it feels good. I can’t feel the pain in my sleep. I get up from the chair and stretch while rubbing the pain in my neck.

They could’ve moved me to my bed, but whatever. I walk into the bathroom to brush my teeth and shower. When I go to grab my soap, I notice Vidia’s vanilla-scented one next to it.

I stare at it for a few seconds and grab it. Closing my eyes, I take a breath of it.God, I miss you.I pour some and wash my body in it, needing a reminder of her. When I finish showering, my head is still pounding, and so is my fucking arm. I’m really starting to regret not asking for stronger meds.

As the idea sparks, I walk over to August’s room and search for the only thing close enough to what will help. I check his nightstand and then his sock drawer but don’t find them. After checking a few more locations, I find his ADHD meds. Augustusually doesn’t take the Adderall he was prescribed unless he has a test or something he needs to focus on.

I take the bottle and walk back to my room, sitting on the edge of my bed. If I do this, six years will be down the drain. My arm has been killing me, and like Vid said, I’ve been wanting to take something for it. I’m not sure if this will feel as good as the pills I do want, but it’ll feel good…

I think about everything else she said, to call her if I was going to relapse. I’ve been calling her since I left the hospital, and she hasn’t answered. I went to her house, and she wouldn’t even answer the door. Not even Hazel answered to say something mean to me.She hates me.

Knowing she won’t pick up, I call anyway. It goes to voicemail, but I call three more times because I really fucking need her right now.

“What?” My eyes widen at the sound of her voice. She answered?

“Vidia?”

“Do you not know who you were calling?” I’ve never heard her voice laced with this much anger. I’m almost afraid to speak.

“I need you.” I can't bring myself to tell her I have a bottle of pills in my hand, so I hope she knows what I mean.

“Needing me wasn’t a part of the plan. This sounds like a you problem.” I hear someone say her name in a surprised voice in the background. Hazel is most likely listening. Nosy ass.

“Don’tVidiame.”

I stop their bickering before she hangs up. “Can we talk?”

“No. Goodbye.”

“Wait! You said to call you if I ever needed you.” I say her exact words in hopes she catches on that I’m about to throw away my sobriety. “I really need you, Vidia.” I should be calling Lisette for this. She said to call her too, and she’s my sponsor, but she’s not the one I want to hear right now.

“Well, I didn’t mean it, so call someone who cares, and don’t ever call me again. Sounds like aplan?” I hear Hazel gasp on the other end, and then the line goes dead just like my insides because I feel like she just ripped my heart out.

I want to believe that she’s just angry and doesn’t mean it, but I can’t keep lying to myself. She hates me because she thinks I was just using her, and she blames me for her miscarriage.

I open the bottle, and I stare at the pills for a few seconds.“Don’t ever call me again.”I put the pills on my nightstand and then grab the display cube that the signed baseball is in. The one she gave me for making six years sober. I push away my thoughts of her and what the gift meant.

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