Page 72 of The Plan

I keep my hand wrapped around his head as he lays his head on my chest. He breathes even out like the sound of my heartbeat soothes him.

“I was thinking,” he starts, and I rest my head on top of his as he goes on, “you know what’s one of the worst things about dealing with an addiction? For me, at least?” I go still for half a second, not expecting him to say that.

“No.” I pull away so I can see him, but he won’t meet my eyes. “What is it?” He steals a glance at me but looks away again.

“I can never reflect on the shitty part of my childhood or think about the hard stuff without getting that urge to run from my feelings and get high.” He shakes his head, almost like he’s disappointed, and before I can say anything, he goes on.

“It’s not like I want to, you know?” He looks over at me, and I give him a soft nod. “I graduate from one of the best colleges in the country soon, and then I’ll play my last college baseball game, and there are going to be a bunch of scouts there. To watchme.”

He says it all like he can barely believe any of it, and I can’t help but smile proudly. “If you told me seven years ago that I’d be doing all of this and sober, I wouldn’t believe it for a second.”

His brows scrunch like he’s thinking of something else. “God, if you told me I’d bealive,I wouldn’t have believed it.” His voice comes out just above a whisper, like he’s talking more to himself than me, and I feel my heart sink at the sound of disbelief in his voice. I’m realizing how he really can’t believe he made it this far, yet he did.

“But you are.” I cup his face so he’s looking at me. “You’ve come a long way, and you should be proud of that… I am.” He gives me a small smile and squeezes me a bit tighter.

“That’s what I was thinking about.” He goes on. “I was buying a tux for graduation, and then it hit me that we’regraduating,and I just sat there, thinking of all the shit I went through to get here.”

His eyes leave mine again before he goes on. “The urge to go get high, to take away the weight in my chest that appears whenever I think about what the woman who gave birth to me put me through, or how I practically traumatized my brother with the shit I put him through before he begged our mom to adopt me.”

He shakes his head again, and it’s clear he’s beating himself up about this. I don’t know what pain his birth mom made him endure besides the car crash, but it’s obvious it was more than just that. I don’t know what he means by traumatizing August, but I say the one thing I know he needs to hear right now.

“It wasn’t your fault.” His eyes snap to mine, and he looks between my eyes and lets out a sigh of what seems like relief. “What your mom put—”

“Don’t call her that.” He shakes his head quickly, but I don’t miss the flash of hurt that passes through his eyes. I feel like an idiot for even saying that considering that’s not what she is, and he’s never referred to her as that.

“Whatsheput you through wasn’t your fault. You were a kid, and you were also a kid when you fell into drugs, which also wasn’t your fault. Addiction is a disease, not a choice, and while it isn’t an excuse, I’m sure you didn’t traumatize August.”

He shakes his head like I’m wrong about that last part, or he just refuses to believe it. “I did.” He nods softly, then shakes his head. “He thinks I haven’t noticed, but whenever I’m sleeping, he puts his finger under my nose or checks my pulse. Whether I’m napping on the couch during the day or in my room in the middle of the night, he’ll come in and make sure I’m breathing because he thought I was fucking dead when we were kids.”

I study him for a second, realizing there's so much about his childhood that I know nothing about. So much pain I want him to unpack with me—so much pain I want to take away from him.

I pull him in and just hold him. “Let me say this because I know you, and you’re probably thinking about it.” I pull away so he can see my face. “Whatever happened with you and him when you were kids, August doesn’t resent you for it.”

“How do you know?”

“Are you serious?” I almost laugh at his ridiculous question. “Sire, you said he quite literally got on his knees and begged foryou to be his brother, not that the adoption made you two more brothers than you already were.” I remember him saying it was just a formality since they were practically already family.

“Maybe he’s just a clingy golden retriever, but August clearly loves you more than anything on this earth. I can’t speak for him, but I highly doubt he holds anything against you, especially if it’s related to your addiction.”

He looks like he’s thinking, and it surprises me that he even has to think about it. After a minute, he nods softly and rests his forehead on mine.

“I feel better.” He closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath, like this moment is all he needs. “I am so fucking glad I broke that self-sabotaging habit and didn’t go get high before such an important day.” He sounds so relieved, but I pull away at his words.

“Wait, you were thinking of getting high?” I look between his eyes, and he looks up at me like he’s scared to answer.

“Yeah…” He slouches a bit, but a warm smile reaches my lips.

“And you came here instead?” He looks between my eyes quickly, and there's a spark in his. He nods softly and leans into my neck, taking a deep breath before sighing.

“Yes, Vidia.” He says it like it’s a no-brainer. “You bring me peace.” I feel my chest tighten at his words. I think that’s the most genuine thing I’ve ever heard. We both want him to stay the night, but there’s going to be too much going on in the morning, so he leaves. Still, when he does, I notice he’s lighter, like he needed that, and I’m grateful it was me that he needed.

Chapter Seventeen

Sire

The Present

Well, you look like shit.”

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