Page 137 of Losing Faith

“Baseball and sexwithVidiais where I get all my confidence from.”

“You didn’t need to add that.” I cringe and he laughs from across me. “How was Thanksgiving with her family?”

“Perfect,” he answers sincerely. “I know I already won her mom over and I still try to kiss her ass, but it felt easy being with her family this weekend.” He sighs now, a huge smile on his face as he lights up.

“They all sound like Vid when they speak Spanish. It’s beautiful, and thefood?Amazing. I made her help me practice my bachata for hours before going over and when I danced with Vidia in front of them, they said I’m Dominican by association. I love them.”

A smile grows on my face at how obsessed he is with his girlfriend and her culture.

“Nice spot you picked.” He looks around the room as if it’s his first time seeing the place and I sink in my seat.

“I haven’t been treating you fairly,” I mumble.

“I agree.” His eyes meet mine and I give him a knowing look.

“Don’t make this harder for me.” I roll my eyes before sitting back up and the words slip past my lips. “I’ve been lying to you. I’mnotfine. I feel myself slipping, Sire. Every time I feel like drinking or getting high, I canfeelmyself caring less and less about the consequences. There genuinely feels like no point and I’m scared.”

I feel my throat tightening at the confession, but force myself to keep a brave face on.

“Are you sober?” he asks gently.

“Yeah.”

He watches me carefully, and I can see him hesitating to ask if I’m sure, but he never does.

“What are we thinking?” he asks. “Do we want to get professional help or—”

“No.” I quickly shake my head. “I don’t want to.”

A sympathetic look covers his face, but I shake my head more firmly.

“I mean it. No rehab. No types of facilities or getaway camps.” I quickly blink my tears away. “Going away means this is bad and out of my control, and I don’t want to admit it’s that bad. I don’t want to go away.”

He nods gently in return.

“I’m sorry for getting so mad about you caring,” I start, Jackson’s voice in my head. “I scared you and you don’t trust me, and I get that. I was just mad that you didn’t believe me when I said I was okay because I needed someone to believe me. I needyouto believe I’m going to be okay.”

He rises from his seat before slipping beside me. When he wraps his arm around me, I realize my tears haven’t stopped.

“I believe in you,” he whispers against my hair. “I know you’re not okayright now,but I believe you’re going to be okay. You’re the strongest person I know, Lis. If you’re not going to be okay, I may as well end it all now.”

I break into a laugh before shifting in my seat so I can hug him back. We hold each other for a minute, and when I pull away, I’m glad we’re in a very far corner and the diner is mostly empty.

“I need a temperature check,” Sire starts with so much confidence like he has a full plan in his head. “How many days a week are you feeling down? How often are you thinking about using or hurting yourself?”

I wipe my tears as I think about it and the past week all of those numbers have been close to zero. It’s incredibly unrealistic to say Jackson and Belle simply took away all my bad thoughts, but I haven’t wanted to self harmoncein the week I’ve been with him. Late at night I’ll get sad, sure, but he’d walk into my room right on time. And I want to get high everyday, I’m an addict, but it’s been a simple passing thought instead of the usual overwhelming need for it.

Sire is still waiting for my answer, so I cancel out this past week since it’s an anomaly. “Sad everyday, butconcerninglysad, four out of seven days. High everyday, but concerningly, two out of seven.”

“Wait, that’s actually so much better than I was thinking.” He offers me a high five and I narrow my eyes at him.

“Were you hanging out with August this morning?”

I see his high energy deflate before my eyes as he slowly puts his hand down. “He slept over at Vid’s mom’s house with us Thanksgiving weekend,” he mumbles.

“He’s rubbing off on you.”

“I’m hanging out with him too much.” He shakes his head at himself.

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