Page 163 of Losing Faith

“Okay.” Jackson sounds just as confused as I am. “Nice to see we’re lying to each other now,” he grumbles.

“What? No, Jackson—”

“In case there was some sort of miscommunication, we’re not broken up, so I hope for both you and yourfriend’ssake that yourfriendis a girl.”

I bite my tongue not to laugh. “I didn’t think we were broken up, but thanks for the clarification, caveman.”

He lets out a sigh and I can’t tell if it’s one of relief or frustration, but either way, my smile slowly fades.

“Jackson, about the other day…” I take him off of speaker and bring the phone to my ear as I stand from the couch. “I have no excuse for what happened, but I need you to know that I care a lot about your daughter. I love her and I wouldneverput her life in danger. I know you feel like I did, but—”

“I don’tfeelthat way, Lissy. Youdid.Anything could’ve happened in the blink of an eye and you weren’t there. Not mentally at least, and Iunderstandthat. I know you think I don’t, but to a certain extent, I do. I just need you to be honest with me, reina. This isn’t going to work with secrets. I don’tcarethat you drank—”

He lets out a frustrated breath and I settle in the kitchen, chewing at my nails impatiently.

“I do care, I just mean that’s not why I was mad. I would never be mad if you came to me and said, ‘hey, I’m having a really hard day and I slipped up.’ Do you understand that?”

I nod in return before clearing my throat to respond. “Yes. I do.”

“Are we going to be honest from here on out?”

I feel like a child in trouble, but I force the self-sabotaging part of myself to shut up for once. “Yes.”

He’s quiet for a beat before he speaks up again. “Were you just drinking?”

My eyes fall to the ground before a warm blush meets my cheek. “I wouldn’t get high while supervising your daughter, and I really was not that drunk…”

“Okay.”

I stop biting my nails as I stand a bit straighter. “Do you believe me?”

“I’m choosing to, Lisette.”

I hold back a sigh before asking, “Would it have changed anything if I was high?”

“No,” he answers quickly, making me believe him. “I would’ve been just as upset, but also as forgiving.”

My brows furrow at his last part.

“You’re an addict, Lisette, that’s the reality. It doesn’t make me love you any less and I’m not an idiot. I’m fully aware that you’re going to struggle and possibly relapse. I’m not going to hold that against you, but don’t mistake this for toxic forgiveness. I’m giving you a chance, but they’re not limitless. This is your opportunity to earn my trust back and make this work because I want to be with you, but don’t think for a second I’m going to ever put this relationship above my daughter.”

His words sting, but I think it hurts more that I can’t be angry at him. Ofcourse,he isn’t going to put me above his daughter.

“I understand that. I don’t want you to put me above your daughter. I want this to work, too, but I need you to remember what I said before we started this.”

“Don’t do that,” he warns. “If we’re doing this then we’re all in. I know youthinkyou can’t be a good mom, but don’t use that as something to fall back on to say you told me so when you fuck up. If you’re not ready, then I understand and we can put this on pause, but my daughter loves you, so there’s no half-assing this. I don’t plan for you to step into the mom role for a while, but I know she’d love that more than anything. I’m not forcing that responsibility on you, but I know deep down you want her to call you mom.”

I do… I want her for the long haul. I’m just incredibly scared that I’m going to fuck this up beyond repair and neither of them deserve that, especially not that little girl.

“Okay.” I nod to myself, convincing myself I’m capable of not ruining everything nice I have.

“Do you feel like you want to put this on pause?” He sounds like he didn’t even want to ask, but I immediately shake my head.

“No, I don’t want to. Trust me, I don’t.” I hate how desperate my words come out, but there’s no taking them back.

“Okay.” He lets out a breath I’m choosing to believe is relief. “Are you coming over for tutoring?”

I quickly agree before I can change my mind.

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