Page 174 of Losing Faith

I can see the protective brother coming out from a mile away and quickly rein him in by telling him about the mess from the drunk pool incident to the fire hitting.

His brows are raised by the end of it all. “Yeah… you’re fucked.”

“No…” I let out a groan as I rest my head on his shoulder. My heart sinks because he knows his best friend way better than I do.

“He issofucking anal about his kid, Lis. He almost cut off his mom because she hit Isa a few years ago. It was a huge fight. Hitting and who gets access to babysit her is on the top of his list.”

I shake my head at his words. “Do you think he’s going to break up with me?” I hate how worried I sound, but he’s right. I’m fucked and it has nothing to do with Jackson’s anger. I’m fucked because I’m falling for him and I’m screwing up the one thing I have going for me.

“He honestly might.” Sire is quiet for a beat. “But maybe he won’t?” He tries to mend my heart. “The fight with his mom was way worse. She actually hit Isa with a shoe or a hanger? I can’t remember, but it was messy. This is different, though.”

That surprisingly makes me feel a bit better, but not enough to make me feel bad about getting high. “Why does life have to be so hard?” I lift my face to focus on him and he watches me like he knows exactly how I feel.

“It won’t always be this hard.”

“That’s the thing though.” I shake my head at his words. “It’s been this hard for a year now. I’m so tired, Sire, and I’m so tired of not being able to just drink. I feel like a failure every time I simply want one, you know?”

“I do.”

“Like, how ridiculous is it that I can’t get into a fight with my boyfriend without wanting to relapse? It’s pathetic.”

He gives me a knowing look and I shake my head at my words.

“Don’t say it.”

“I’m not saying it because I hate Jackson. I’m not saying you two shouldn’t be together because I’m an asshole or because I’m a protective older brother. If I wanted to get high every time Vidia and I fought, we would both decide being together wasn’t a good idea.”

“So you’re going to break up with her the next time you go through a rough patch?”

He lets out a defeated breath. “No, that’s not what I meant. It’s different when you’re already in a relationship. Starting one isn’t the best idea. You know how hard it is making it a year sober. We shouldn’t get attached to people during that time.That’swhy I didn’t want you and Jackson to go out. You need to focus on yourself. You need stability.”

“He’s the only stability I have,” I surprise myself by admitting.

“Andthat’sthe issue, Lisette. He can get hit by a damn truck tomorrow. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet without him. Getting into a relationship, healingwithhim without knowing how to heal on your own is such a bad idea, I know you can see that.”

I shake my head at his words, refusing to admit he’s right. “Him and Isa are the only things keeping me happy and I know,” I quickly go on before he can repeat himself. “I know I need to know how to heal on my own before he heals me, but maybe I just want a family, Sire. Maybe I want to take the easy way out for once in my damn life and let them put me back together.”

“That’s not their responsibility. Don’t be selfish.”

“Do I not deserve to be selfish?”

“That’s not what I meant, but you—Isa is still so young, Lis. She doesn’t deserve that. You being in and out of it like this.” He gestures to me. “Bailing on her recitals because you’re drunk, sleeping past picking her up from school because you’re high. I’m not saying you’ll turn into our surrogates, but you know what we’re capable of if we go down that path. Look at what you just did while she was swimming,” he reluctantly adds. “If you want to be in her life, you need to be ready.”

I blink my tears away as I focus on my bleeding nails. “Isa said she loves me.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “She tells me she loves me time and time again, and that voice in my head, the one telling me I’m not lovable, it just disappears. She tells me she misses me and that weight in my chest from feeling like a burden for simply existing, it’s gone when she hugs me.”

I turn to Sire just as a tear falls on my cheek. “She wants me to be her mom. I never wanted that, Sire. I never wanted kids, but I want her so damn bad. I want her smiles, her sassy fucking attitude, her mess, her obsession with pink, baking and taking selfies.” The lump in my throat grows so big it hurts to speak, but I plead with him anyway. “I’m losing faith in myself and they’re the only thing I’m clinging to.”

Sire pulls me into his embrace and I instantly wrap my arms around him. “I have faith in you.”

“Idon’t, though.” I bury my face in his chest and he holds me tighter as a sob rips through me. “I just want one day, Sire. One day to let go, to feel like my worries are floating away. The closest thing to a high I can get is them.”

Sire is quiet before something hits him. “You love him.”

I don’t admit it, but my silence is answer enough as he soothes my hair.

After a minute, he pulls away with a gasp. I sit up and when I hear an airplane passing, I quickly rise to my feet.

“I call it.” I wipe my tears and we run onto the balcony and I almost trip over myself, but he steadies me as we make it outside, searching the clouds for our form of a shooting star.

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