Page 180 of Losing Faith

She forces a smile now. “Is that your way of saying you’ve never dated an addict? Am I taking your V card?”

I don’t laugh, needing her to genuinely help me here.

Her smile falls in the silence. “This is the worst time in my life, Jackson,” she confesses, and I hate how defeated she sounds. “I’ve dealt with my addiction and depression my whole life, but this is the only time where I felt like giving up forthislong. It usually goes away, but it’s not, and I really shouldn’t be in a relationship right now.”

My heart sinks, but I nod in return, putting on a brave face as I force myself to be supportive in any way she needs, even if that removes me from the picture.

“We shouldn’t be together.”

I hold my breath so I don’t speak.

“But I want you more than I want to get high.” Her eyes meet mine and I let out the breath I was holding. “I want to read with Isa every night instead of getting drunk. I want to wake up in bed with both of you, not hungover with a guy whose name I can’t remember. I feel so lost when I leave your house and I know that sounds pathetic, okay? I truly want to die knowing I’m the girl that’s clinging onto a boy, but I’m holding onto the possibility that maybe you’re not a phase. Maybe it’s not just sexual tension. I shouldn’t look for myself in a man, but I’m really fucking hoping you’re notjusta man, JJ.”

“I’ll be anything you need me to be.”

“I need solace.” She lets out a bitter laugh, tears building in her eyes.

I take both of her hands and kiss each of them gently. “Then I’ll be that. I’ll be your anchor and Isabelle will be your headache.”

She lets out a laugh and I smile at her before pulling her over the console and onto my lap. I bring my lips to hers and hold her close as she straddles me.

“I can feel your dick getting hard.“

I let out a defeated sigh as I bury my face in her neck. “You’re full of so much shit.” I roll my eyes at her and she laughs from on top of me as she squirms. “What are you doing?”

“Trying to wake it up. Your car is perfectly tinted for car sex.”

“Jesus Christ,” I mumble before pulling away. “Why do you end every vulnerable conversion with the topic of sex?”

She shrugs innocently. “I’m sorry my daddy issues made me into a whore? Damn, no need to make me feel like shit about it.” She’s clearly teasing and I bite her neck, causing her to squirm in my lap again.

Her laugh sobers before she looks over at me again. “One more question.”

I almost think she’s going to ask if we can have sex but she turns more serious.

“Do you really see a future with me?”

I study her for a beat, but she’s being genuine as she continues.

“I know Belle wants me to be her mom, but those are forever. I’m not her biological mom, so I’m not actually stuck here, but—”

“You’re stuck here,” I interrupt her with a kiss. “My daughter loves you.” I hold back from telling her I love her, knowing she’s afraid of those three words. “I still think we need to take things at a slow pace with her, but you’re stuck here.”

“What doyouwant?” She bites her lips and I realize she’s nervous.

“You.” I kiss her again but she pulls away.

“For how long?”

I shrug in thought. “What’s your expected lifetime?”

Her brows furrow. “I don’t know. I think my grandma lived until she was eighty.”

“Then I want you for the next fifty-five years. At eighty-one, get the fuck out.”

She breaks into a laugh and I smile into the crease of her neck, kissing her gently. I take in a breath of her, but at the faint smell of alcohol on her, I let out a quiet sigh as I hold her tighter.

“Can we talk about your sobriety?” I kiss her neck gently before pulling away.

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