Page 182 of Losing Faith

She quickly nods, and when tears start building in her eyes, I immediately regret taking the rough approach.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice breaks before she breaks into a sob. I wrap my arms around her as I hold her close.

“I just want to see Belle,” she pleads.

“You will. Just not like this.” I kiss the side of her head as she keeps her face buried in my neck. “I can have my mom pick her up from ballet, and after we get you sobered up, we can spend a few hours with her tonight.”

She shakes her head. “I don’t want to inconvenience your mom…”

“You’re not inconveniencing anyone,” I reassure her, but at the mention of her, I feel myself growing annoyed at the reminder of how my mom feels about Lisette and I’m definitely going to have to lie about why I need her to take Isabelle.

Like always, when we fight, she’s acting like nothing is wrong. Instead, she’s been giving me the cold shoulder and sending me food. I’m honestly glad for it because I don’t care to fight with her about Lis, although I’m sure she’ll bring it up soon enough.

Pushing those thoughts away, I kiss the top of Lisette’s head. “She’ll love to see her granddaughter and I want to help you get cleaned up. It’ll only be a few hours.” I recall Belle mentioning how she missed my mom, so it honestly works out for everyone.

She nods in my neck, sniffling quietly. After holding her for another few minutes, she pulls away and I hold her face in my hands as I wipe her cheeks.

“I can get better,” she says, and I’m not sure who between the two of us she’s trying to convince.

Chapter Fifty-Five

Lisette

Thewarmwaterofmyshower sprays on my head, mixing with my tears. I hug my knees as I chew at my pinky nail, desperately trying to get the screaming out of my head.

I envision Isabelle’s smile, the sound of her sweet laugh, and the smell of her cherry shampoo. I keep her on a loop in my head as I fight the tug pulling at me, willing me to say fuck it for another escape.

“She can’t see you like this,” I remind myself. “He won’t let you near her.” I force my eyes shut, hitting my head with the palm of my hand.

“You’re fine,” I whisper to myself on repeat. Again and again, but when the lodge in my throat is too big to speak, my blurry vision lands on the razor in front of me. I sniffle quietly as I grab it and dismantle it to get the blade out.

I just need to feel something else other than this. I can’t get high… Jackson will see right through me and I want to see Belle too badly. I can’t drink either. I need to be sober, but I need to feel anything other than the pain in my chest. The banging in my head. The nausea from the damn drugs leaching at my will to fight.

I wipe my tears on my shoulder as I trace one of the scars on my thigh. I bite my lip to conceal my cries and a copper taste fills my mouth as I watch the red fill the tub and trail into the drain, taking a bit of me with it.

“Lissy?” Jackson’s heavy knock sounds on the door and I jump in surprise. The blade digs deeper into my skin and I suck in a breath as I drop it, pressing my palm to my leg to slow the rushing bleeding.

“Fuck.” I soak in the pain for a beat but when too much blood fills the tub, I curse myself again.

“I can’t find your turtle, are you sure he isn’t in there?”

“He’s not,” I choke out as I lean over to grab my towel.

“Why do you sound like that? Are you okay?”

I let out a groan as I press the towel to my leg and shut the water off. “I’m fine.”

The door swings open, and I quickly pull the curtain back before he can see the mess.

“You don’t sound fine.”

I let my eyes fall shut as I lean my head against the shower wall.

“Why are you sitting in there with the water off?”

“I’m meditating.” I take in a shaky breath before pulling the towel away from my leg, but the bleeding doesn’t stop.

“Do you normally meditate naked?”

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