Page 19 of Losing Faith

“She’s joking.” Winter shoves my back before coming beside me and giving me alook.She tucks her white hair behind her ear before serving a donut on a napkin and handing it to the guy. “I love to see new faces, please”—she gestures to the circle of chairs—“Sit wherever you’d like.”

He walks off after thanking her and she turns to me accusingly, but I offer a smile in return. “Hello there, December.”

She rolls her eyes playfully as she turns to make a cup of coffee. “You don’t usually come in today.” She peeks at me before turning to add sugar to her cup. “Should I be worried?”

“Of course, you should,” I say with as much enthusiasm as I can, and a smile she’s clearly fighting appears on her face.

“You’re always the light of my day, Lisette.” She stirs her drink with a small smile, the wrinkles near her eyes more prominent.

“I’m glad someone is benefiting from my crippling depression.” I tap her shoulder twice and head over to the circle with Bay and Erin before she can respond.

I turn to Bay as she takes her seat. “Since I already gave you the recap in the car, do I have to share?”

“You don’thaveto. If you just needed to be in this space, then you know you can sit silently and soak it up.” She shrugs before a smile touches her lips. “If you don’t share, at least talk to Winter at the end. I think it’ll be good for you to hear whatever advice she has to give.”

I nod in return as Winter makes her way over to start the meeting. There are a few familiar faces and they look worse than I’m feeling, which makes me feel better.

I know that sounds bad, but nothing is worse than coming to a meeting and everyone is doing good. It’s rare, but I came in hung over once and had the courage to share first. Everyone after me spoke about how their life was getting better. I drank again once I left.

“Hello everyone,” Winter starts with a bright smile. “I see a lot of new faces which makes me so happy. If you’re up for it, I’d love for you all to introduce yourselves.”

The newbies share their names and sad stories as my anxiety begins to eat at me. I zone out and my call with Ana is on a loop in my mind. I slip my hand into my pocket and hold onto the bottle of liquor, letting myself feel good aboutnotbeing hungover like she thought I was.

When I hear sniffing, I look up and Bay is fighting back tears. I feel my brows furrow as I look around the room, but one of the new guys is still sharing and he’s just talking about being from Washington.

I lean into Bay as I whisper, “Remind me not to take you to Seattle.”

A smile appears on her face as she looks up to the ceiling and blinks away her tears. “Sorry, I know you don’t like feelings.” She faces forward again, her eyes still glassy.

“I’m not going to hold your hand or hug you, but don’t let me stop you from crying.” I shrug and her smile grows as she wipes a tear.

Winter notices her struggling, but waits for the new people to finish before focusing on her again. “Bay,” she starts, her somber smile on her. “What’s going on, dear?”

Bay takes in a deep breath before smiling over at Winter, but she’s still fighting back tears. “I feel like ever since my abortion, I’ve been seeing so many things that remind me of it. I don’t think I made a mistake, but ithurts,and seeing pregnant women, or baby bottles in the chip aisle because people don’t put shit back where they found them in Walmart, isn’t helping.”

She starts crying again and a laugh escapes me. “I’m sorry.” I cover my mouth with my hand when a few people look at me. “I laugh when I’m uncomfortable,” I clarify.

“I hate you.” Bay lets out a laugh that mixes with a cry. “Ugh!” She looks up at the ceiling and wipes her tears. “Okay, I don’t want to cry anymore, so Lisette needs to share, and since she interrupted, we can all laugh at her together. I promise it’s good.”

The group lets out a laugh, and I smile around the room as they give me a minute to collect my thoughts. “I have a little sister,” I start. “Two of them.” My eyes fall to my hand as I pick at my nails.

“My birth parents were both addicts and absent when I was a kid. The boy next door also had a shitty mom, and we became best friends,” I say, not wanting to say Sire’s name. “Then we met these twins at school, and they had aperfectlife.”

I shake my head as images of August and Sage’s huge childhood home come to mind. I thought they were royalty when I first went to their house.

“They became my family, and we called their parents mom and dad. Then they adopted the boy next door, but couldn’t adopt me since my parents had rights and shit, and they couldn’t take my sisters.” I feel myself getting bitter, but not at the Hales, it’s the reminder of my birth parents that puts the sour feeling in me.

“Although they didn’t adopt me, they were still my family and I practically lived with them, but as the years went by, I started using drugs in middle school, and Ana, my bio sister, hated me for becoming my parents. She treated me like shit and I couldn’t face her, so I officially moved in with my other family.”

I feel everyone watching me as I continue. “My relationship with her was never good, but I went to her for money after not seeing her in years, and that was the nail in the coffin for us.”

My throat tightens at the reminder of one of my lowest points.

“Ana just has so much resentment for me because I moved out of that house. She thinks I abandoned her, but I was a kid too. Why is it my fault for not giving up my childhood to raise them? Yes, I feel like shit about it, but they had their grandma who was basically raising them and refused to take me in. I had no one but the Hales.”

I look over at Winter for an answer and she nods in understanding.

“It wasn’t your job to raise your sisters. Don’t burn yourself for your parents’ sins.”

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