Page 85 of Losing Faith

“I feel myself spiraling,” I find myself admitting.

She smiles and as she looks at me, it’s as if she sees right through me. “Bay said you found a new boy toy.”

I roll my eyes as I sit in front of her, and by some miracle, she doesn’t fall over. “Bay is full of shit.”

Erin nods to herself before pushing her hair out of her face. “Don’t fall in love, blondie.” She seems to be warning me. “It hurts.”

I focus on her and my heartstrings pull for her. “What happened, Erin?”

She stares behind me, zoning out as a single tear silently falls on her face. When she starts leaning over again, I pull a chair over and let her lay on both of them.

I catch Winter behind her and rush over. When she sees me making my way over, her eyes fall on Erin before her shoulders slouch. She opens her mouth, but I beat her to it.

“I have a pill of oxycodone in my pocket,” I blurt. “I need you to tell me why I shouldn’t take it.” I search her eyes, desperate for the wisdom and fucking strength.

“I can’t tell you that.” She shakes her head.

“Please, Winter.” My voice breaks.

She takes my hand, but I pull away.

“No.” I take a step back. “No. I don’t need your riddles right now. I don’t need you to tell me I need to find my reason to stay clean on my own. I don’t have one, okay? I can’t think of one, so Ineedyou to tell me not to do it. Tell me I matter to at least you.”

She tucks her white hair behind her ear as she slowly takes a seat, rubbing her old knees. “Sit with me, child.”

“Winter.” I look up to the ceiling as tears start to fill my eyes. “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Youknowwhat your reasons to stay clean are.” She tries to remind me. “You print out pictures of your reason every time you get the urge to get high.”

I shake my head at her, my eyes still on the ceiling as I command my tears not to spill.

“Whose picture did you print last?”

I squeeze my eyes shut.

“Whose picture, Lisette?”

“Isabelle’s.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “I just came from printing a picture of Isabelle, Jackson, and me baking at their house.” My words come out just above a whisper as I will myself to keep the tears at bay.

“Why them?”

It takes me a second to calm my breathing before I look down at her. “I’m happy with them.” I shrug. “Things that keep me happy are things I want to be sober for.”

She tsks at me as she shakes her head. “Would you go ahead and just cry?”

I silently shake my head, the lump in my throat growing. “Just let it out,” she voices gently. “It’s okay to feel it.”

Spinning on my heels, I rush out and head for my car. I don’t drive in any particular direction, I just keep going and keep shoving down the pain.

It feels like I’m driving for hours, but as the house light turns on above me, I realize I’m in front of Jackson’s place. I almost turn around, but the red light in his camera comes on and I know he already knows I’m here, so I climb out of the car.

With the red light from the doorbell still on, I know he’s looking at me in the camera and I force a smile. “I would flash you, but I don’t get naked on camera for free.”

After a beat, his voice sounds through the camera. “You better be joking.”

I bite back a smile as I hear his footsteps coming towards the door. When he swings the door open, he smiles down at me in his marvelous suit. His tie is absent and the first few of his buttons are undone. I take in his ruffled hair and it’s clear he was working late.

“This is the part where you tell me you’re joking.”

---