Page 33 of Under the Influence

“Bring your boyfriend to dinner tonight,” Otto insists.

“No.”

“Why? What’s wrong with him?”

“He’s not cool like you, and I know you’ll rag on him to his face.”

“Well, a real man should be able to withstand bullying,” Otto says while Betty smiles at his bullshit. “If it helps, I promise to give him a flattering nickname. What’s his real name so I can start working something up.”

“Philip Grassley.”

“So, if you get married, you’ll be Edith Grassley? Is that the future you want for yourself?”

“I want what you have,” I growl and nearly throw my donut at his smug face. “I want someone to love. Now leave me alone, you ass fungus.”

“Hey, now, I have feelings, you know?”

“Do I know that?”

“I feel like it’s come up at some point in our lives.”

Betty pats his head and lifts the scissors. “Be still so I don’t take too much.”

Otto smiles at her gentle way of telling him to shut up. I watch my brother sit through his beard trimming.

I realize the people I envy are in long relationships. The comfort they share is lived-in while what I feel for Duke is chaotic from being new. To get what they have, I’ll need to put in the work. That would be easier if I wasn’t forced to censor myself with my family.

Tuesday is my only sounding board, yet I feel like she’s one burst of drama away from accidentally blurting out my secret.

At the bridal shop, we stand outside and wait for Lola and Clover. Tuesday dances around like the world is her stage. Occasionally, she’ll grab me and sway.

“You did a good job hiding your hickeys,” she whispers in my ear before gyrating against my leg until I’m forced to shove her off.

“Knock it off, swamp whore. I’m nervous,” I whisper.

“Me too,” Oana whispers since my words weren’t as quiet as I thought. “I don’t know what to expect.”

“The bride will have an idea about what dress, style, and color she’ll want for her bridesmaids,” I explain to my sister-in-law who still struggles in new situations. “We’ll try on dresses and get them fitted. That’s it. Nothing weird or scary.”

“Then, why are you nervous?”

I stare at Oana, trying to come up with a lie.

Tuesday dances around us before leaning in and whispering, “Edith’s grumpy over her lack of marriage options right now. She’s worried her jealous hag feelings will break loose and splooge all over Lola’s big day.”

Oana smiles at me. “Oh, I don’t think that’ll happen. You helped me when I got married. No jealous hag feelings were splooged.”

I share a smile with Oana while Alexis and Roxie stand nearby and watch Tuesday alternate between innocently swaying and stripper gyrating.

My chest hurts when Lola and Clover arrive. I see so much of Duke in them. Lola’s blue eyes are the same color as her pa’s. Clover has his cheeks and lips. I’m awash in bad feelings as I follow everyone inside the shop.

“Don’t stress, pumpkin,” Tuesday whispers in my ear as we look over dresses. “You’re awesome.”

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

My cousin stares into my eyes and murmurs with great passion, “Pity.”

Though I grunt at her comment, she’s right to pity me. I want so badly to tell everyone about Duke. When my brother fell in love with a woman who might have been a ghost imagined during a moonshine-induced bender, he shared his feelings with everyone. Why do I have to be a mature person and keep silent?

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