Page 35 of Under the Influence

Duke sends me a heart emoticon. Once again, I feel him here with us. Soon, Lola takes a picture of me in a strappy dress with a front slit. For Betty, I choose a tie-back halter dress with a knee-length dress since she doesn’t like longer gowns.

“This is such a great color,” I tell Lola after admiring Oana and Alexis in their dresses. “Everyone looks good in a soft red.”

Her smile makes me feel like a million bucks. I try to imagine a time when she knows about Duke and me. Will she still act so friendly when I’m her pa’s girlfriend rather than one of Val’s many cousins?

“Potential fart attack,” Tuesday mutters to me and gestures toward the shop’s front windows where Elishia Hill’s bitchy face stares in at us.

Her equally stupid and rude cousins, Jaci and Deb, are right behind her. Over the last decade, the three of them have hassled every woman I know. Elishia even insulted my ma once at the store. When I moved to punch the bitch, Ma-Journey stopped me.

“She’s a loser, Edith,” she said and pointed at Elishia acting like a fool in the store. “Her life is pointless. No one of value loves her. She’ll die alone, and even her family will be relieved by her death. Why on earth would you waste your time breathing the same air as her?”

I was humbled by my ma’s words. She was right then, and I know what she’d think now as Elishia enters the shop to start trouble.

My plan is to ignore the bitch. We’re in a respectable establishment, searching for gowns for a wedding to bind two important families. No way should this turn into a low-class brawl.

Elishia throws standard insults at Tuesday before turning her attention to Lola and bragging about giving Val a blowjob. Tuesday does her best to soothe Lola’s justified horror.

“You have to understand,” Tuesday tells Lola with great flair. “Val had consumed so much moonshine that he was lucky not to fuck a guy or a moose. So, when you consider it that way, you can understand why he let this thin-lipped hag suck him off next to the dumpster behind the Chick-fil-A. Please don’t judge Val. He normally has great taste.”

Embarrassed now, Elishia reaches for Tuesday’s shiny blonde hair. All my good girl, common-sense mentality is silenced by my primal hillfolk blood lust.No one screws with my family!

My punch knocks Elishia on her ass. I don’t care if she’s a loser and beneath me. I’m ready to tear her fricking head off and wear it as a hat!

Turning toward Deb and Jaci, I prepare for the tall, beefy bitches to end up on the ground like their cousin.

“Have you lost your damn minds?” Lola cries from nearby. “This is a family-friendly business, not a dive off the highway. These people,” Lola says and gestures toward the staff, “are trying to fucking work! Have some damn class!”

Rather than inject common sense into the bitches’ rotten brains, Lola’s words set off the cousins. Jaci lunges in my direction, forcing me to step back and duck her sloppy swing at my head. Though I punch her in the gut, she keeps coming.

Lola lands a solid kick to Jaci’s ankle, sending the bitch to the ground. Rather than back off, Lola drops on top of Jaci and punches wildly.

Deb comes to her sister’s aid and yanks Lola backward. Tuesday decides now is a good time to holler “skank beatdown” as Lola dodges Deb's kicks.

Before I can help Lola, Elishia gets back to her feet and comes after me. The swamp whore looks ready to tear me apart, yet I feel no fear.

OG Peepaw Zeb once claimed I could dress like a high-class broad, but I’d never get rid of the hillbilly blood running through my veins. He then referred to me as “Enid” and demanded I make him a sandwich.

Despite all the other stupid stuff my great-grandfather has said over the years, he was right about me owning a hick temper.

Once I get pissed off, I struggle to calm back down. That’s why I don’t soften my blows against Elishia. I want to punish her for every damn thing she’s ever done. She even once mocked my blind great-grandmother!

As Elishia hits the ground again, Roxie and Tuesday attack Jaci while Lola tackles Deb.

With my fists bloody and bruised, I come to my senses long enough to think of Oana. She’s very early in her pregnancy. No one can tell by looking at her. If these swamp whores hurt Oana, I don’t know if Ike could keep himself from burying the three of them.

Fortunately, Oana is smart enough to hide behind a dress rack while Clover and Alexis join in the brawl against the swamp whores. Soon, Elishia, Jaci, and Deb have lost their fighting spirit. Everyone around me claps, but I remain pissed off. Lola’s hands are likely as busted up as mine. What will Duke think when he finds out about the brawl?

My triumphant group decides to go to a spontaneous lunch with margaritas and chicken wings. We settle down around the table with Lola and Clover sitting beside each other.

“I’m so happy my brothers found their dream girls,” Tuesday announces. “First Alexis and now Lola. We truly are living in the golden times.”

“Dream girl,” Clover says under her breath. “That sounds so romantic.”

“Do you not believe, child?”

“You’re barely older than me.”

“What’s your point?” Tuesday demands, and I nearly kick her under the table.

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