Page 43 of Under the Influence

Feeling stubborn and self-destructive, I keep pushing the subject. “But you could have made your love life more fun.”

“Kerrie and I were mostly friends for the last ten years of our marriage. We barely had sex. We were simply circling each other until her dad died.”

“That sounds awful.”

“Because you’re young and in heat,” Duke says, and my mouth pops open again.

Chuckling at my response, Duke moves around the bed. I step back, wanting to keep my distance before I blurt out what my questions are actually about.

“Are you embarrassed to tell people about me?” I ask, trying so hard to ruin our time together.

“Of course not,” he says, losing his smirk. “Wait, do you mean embarrassed like people will mock me for falling for a much younger woman?”

“I don’t know about the ‘much younger’ part. But do you think we can survive the pressure of other people’s expectations?”

“My people won’t be the sticking point, Edith. Lola and Clover weren’t raised with stars in their eyes about the perfect couple. They’ll be happy if I’m happy. Though they’ll likely assume I’m in over my head.”

“Do you think we’ll last?”

“Are you fishing for a promise? Is that what this conversation is about,” he asks and crosses his arms.

Feeling small and dumb under his gaze, I try to find the words to fix what I’ve chosen to mess up.

“I’ve put my cherry on a pedestal,” I blurt out. “I’m emotionally all over the place. I don’t trust myself right now, so I’m afraid I’m not seeing you clearly. I fear I’ll regret giving you everything.”

“Physically, you and I aren’t in the same place. But when it comes to something deeper, we’re both virgins. I don’t know what signs I’m supposed to look for to know if something will last. I have no checklist of what worked or didn’t work with other women. I went from a horny teenager to marrying a woman for power to divorced and casually dating.”

“But the women you dated after Kerrie were not just hookups, right? Didn’t you have an idea of what you were looking for?”

“You’re forgetting my family’s supposed curse. I grew up viewing relationships as temporary. That’s how it was with Erin. She found men she enjoyed and married them, but she always knew the relationships would end.”

Duke sighs and relaxes his arms. “And they did. I assumed that would be me. Curse or not, I believed I was riding to the end alone. So, I have no checklist for a perfect woman.”

His words ought to warm my heart. We’re facing the same fears. He has never felt this way about anyone else. I am special! But his words make me feel worse instead.

My life isn’t complicated. I know the answers to most of my problems. When I don’t, my family takes charge. I’ve never faced something head-on and failed miserably. Someone has always been around to keep me grounded.

Duke doesn’t have the answers, though. We’re riding blind toward what might be a beautiful disaster.

“If I was Tuesday, I wouldn’t be worrying about what happens next,” I say while fighting a pout. “I thought she was so brain-dead for chasing men and acting wild. What if she got hurt? All her broken hearts and failed relationships felt like a mistake, but they made her strong. When she met Bullet, she didn’t doubt he would love her and stay in Tumbling Rock. I almost wanted her to fail since I thought my way of thinking was best.”

Duke watches me in the way he does when he’s sizing up his environment. Is he wishing I would shut up and get naked? Or does he think I’m a terrible person? I can’t tell what he’s thinking, so I assume the worst.

“And I was wrong about Ike’s obsession with a random woman he met while drunk. He was sure she was his dream girl, even though he couldn’t remember her name or find her. That’s insane, right? Isn’t it crazy to obsess over a woman you meet during a moonshine-spawned fevered dream?”

Duke nods at my question and offers a hint of a smile as he imagines my brother’s situation.

“I didn’t support Ike at all. I was such a bitch, but he was right. Ugh, I keep being wrong. It’s messing with my confidence. And then there’syou.”

Duke chuckles at my tone when I say the final word. I want to treat him like a project. Better to stick to my checklist and make sure he fits my life. Yet, his little smile is enough to steal my angst and leave me feathery soft inside.

“I want you,” I admit. “That’s all I keep thinking. I want Duke. Where is he? How many hours until I see him? When we’re together, I’m afraid of how little time we have before we’re apart. It’s making me weird, so I don’t trust myself.”

“Do you trust me?”

“I think so. I’m not sure.”

“Hurting you isn’t in my best interest. You see that, don’t you? I need your family’s help to keep my club and family safe. I’m the one with fewer options here. If I had any sense, I’d never have stopped at the bar and talked to you that first night.”

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