Page 44 of Under the Influence

Duke frowns darker, seeming rattled. “But I can’t walk away from you. I’m cranky when we’re apart. I wish it was just about lust. If we could fuck and be normal again, I’d have talked you into bed as soon as you walked into the room. But that won’t fix this need.”

I feel the corners of my mouth pitch downward. My gaze flashes to the bed. I frown at how it can’t solve my problems.

“I’m falling in love with you,” he says, and my heart nearly bursts out of my chest. “But I don’t know if this thing between us can work.”

“Why not?” I ask in a little voice.

“We’re in different places in our lives. I don’t know what I want. If I met you a few months ago, I’d have a better idea of what would happen next. But I had my panic attack and thought I was going to die. I was certain I’d ruined everything for my family. I felt like a failure. It’s rattled me, and I don’t trust my instincts anymore.”

“We should wait until you feel more like yourself,” I say before immediately adding, “But I don’t want to wait. I want everything to happen right now.”

Though Duke smiles, I feel his tension growing. “Right now, in this room, the future is simple. I want you, and you want me. We’re going to spend the evening together. I like the idea of waking up next to you. As long as I focus on right now, I’m certain.”

“I’m afraid of what happens after tonight.”

Duke watches me for what feels like a long time. “You need to hash this out now, right? We can’t drop it and have an easy evening. You need to hear the words.”

“Yes.”

Nodding, Duke steps back and rests his hands against the desk behind him.

“Your family likely won’t be okay with us. Your dad could use my club to get me to back off. I’ll have to decide between my feelings and the well-being of my people. I’m not sure which one I’d choose.”

“I don’t think my pa be that weirded out.”

“Okay, so, let’s say we get through that part. Now, we’re able to be together whenever we want. My home is in Basin Rock. It can’t be anywhere else.”

Despite knowing this fact, I still feel bad at hearing it out loud.

“Are you ready?” he asks before zeroing in on what we both know might be the real dealbreaker.

“Yes.”

“I don’t know if I want more kids,” he says and lets the words settle between us. “I’m crazy about you, and I’ll want to give you everything. But I don’t think I can do the dad thing again.”

His words hit at my biggest fear. Feeling cornered, I want to run away, but I’m so far from home. I could hide in the bathroom and cry to Tuesday. She’d promise me some magical bullshit. Maybe that Duke will change his mind or she’ll claim I can find someone better. Only one of those lies would help me right now.

“I need you to understand how I’m not myself right now,” Duke says, walking over and tilting my jaw upward to force eye contact. “I’m not a guy who panics. That day, I felt alone and weak in a new way. It emptied me out and made me doubt myself.”

My fingers reach for his jaw, and he smiles softly.

“I never would have handed my club over to Court if I was in my right mind, but that panic still lingers. I’m paranoid about losing everything. I keep seeing threats that aren’t there. Maybe Iamhaving a midlife crisis, but that’s not why I feel this way for you. I could find a much easier outlet for my middle-aged fears, but I need you.”

Hearing magic in his words, I explain, “I think you’re my dream guy. In my family, that means we end up happy together. There’s no choice in the matter. I want to trust in that, but I’ve been wrong so much.”

“I’ll be straight with you, okay? Ready for more harsh truths?”

“No.”

“Well, buckle up,” he says and smiles. “Tuesday is an odd woman. Her behavior with Cubby and then Bullet Train was insane. There is no reason you should have assumed Bullet Train would settle down in a small town. You were right to be skeptical.”

“I knew it,” I say and smile grudgingly. “How about Ike?”

“He didn’t even know the girl’s name.”

“Exactly, and he was so drunk. We actually thought he saw a ghost or was hallucinating.”

“No way should you have trusted that would work out.”

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