Page 62 of Under the Influence

“He isn’t ready for a baby.”

“You aren’t even sure. Why are you so upset?”

My mind swims with fears. Duke doesn’t feel real when we’re apart for too long. I’ve started worrying I’m in love with an idea rather than a real man.

“Will Pa be mad that I kept a secret?”

“Yes, but he’ll understand you were protecting Val and Lola.”

I look at my ma and whisper, “Is our family cursed? Ike lost Oana for a year and then we all tried to bully him into giving her up. Now, I have to hide my relationship like it’s a dirty secret.”

“First, baby, I never bullied your brother. I only showed concern over his seemingly reckless behavior. That’s my job as his ma.”

“I bullied him.”

“Yes, but you got over that. Now, you’re protective of their relationship.”

Nodding, I sigh. “I hate keeping secrets.”

“Is that why you’re so upset?”

“I want people to know,” I say and sob against her. “But I’m afraid people knowing will ruin everything, and I won’t get what I want.”

“Getting so riled up over hypotheticals isn’t like you,” Ma-Journey says and strokes my head. “But you’ve done something unnatural for our family, and that’s keep secrets. It’s time for you to stop hiding.”

Wiping my eyes, I ask, “Could Duke come to dinner once Val and Lola go on their honeymoon? I feel like there’ll be less pressure if we introduce the idea to our families in smaller groups.”

My ma studies me. “As soon as Duke shows up, the rest of the homestead will know.”

“We’ll keep them out. Then, I can have dinner at Duke’s house with his family. Soon, everything will be in the open.”

“Or you could call Duke and have him here by the time your pa is back from riding with Court.”

“I’m too irrational today to face that pressure.”

My ma nods. “We should also get the test done.”

“No. I don’t want to know the answer.”

Ma-Journey frowns at me. “Edith, you’re acting strange.”

“I feel out of sorts. The drama bug has infected me. I can’t think straight. I want to hide, but I also want to run away.”

“Close your eyes,” she says and brushes her fingers across my forehead. Once I do as she says, Ma-Journey asks in a tender voice, “If you could be anywhere right now, where would you go?”

“I’m not sure. I’m frazzled.”

“Think about where you want to go to be safe.”

I instantly imagine Duke. Just as quickly, I’m struck by the fear of everything falling apart.

“I want to be with Duke like we are when we’re alone. But I also want to be with him where everyone can see.”

“So, let’s invite him over.”

“I’m not ready.”

“Okay, we’re talking in circles,” Ma-Journey says, clinging to her sanity while I toss mine aside. “Here’s what I suggest you do. Make a plan. Take the test. Find out if there’s any reason to be worried. Then, pick a date for Duke to come here for dinner. We’ll keep it quiet until he shows up. Your pa and brothers will be upset, but they’ll get over it. Does that sound like a good plan?”

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