Page 8 of Under the Influence

“No, I made you eat it.”

“Sure, feel free to remember it that way to deal with your shame.”

“Did you have a point?”

“You’re my girl, and I’ve got your back.”

“I still think you’ll blab.”

“Blab about what exactly?” Tuesday asks and climbs off me. “Is this thing you’re feeling for Duke real? Or maybe, just maybe, you’re feeling desperate to be loved. Could you be drumming up feelings for the only handsome, well-groomed man you’ve met who isn’t related to us?”

“I guess it’s possible,” I mumble and sit up. “But wanting him isn’t particularly convenient. He’s older and likely doesn’t want more kids. Besides, I know he isn’t interested in me. He made that clear at the party.”

“Oh, what are you fricking going on about, my lady?” she mocks and hugs me to her. “If you unleashed your charming side, that man, hell, any man would fall to his knees to worship you. But you hide behind your tough-chick armor. Such a bitchy bitch, you can be.”

“I’m going to be alone forever.”

“No, you’re just feeling negative. Pep up and get off the couch. We’ll go hang out with Alexis, Oana, and Roxie. We could get our nails done. We’ll make you feel pretty so you’ll stop feeling like a loser.”

“I don’t think I’m a loser.”

“Oh, well, you’re acting like one by hiding. The world is full of men. One of them is bound to make your heart race and your palms sweat.”

“Is that what happened when you met Bullet?”

“Not at first,” Tuesday says and smiles nostalgically, “I mostly wanted to rub my crotch in his face. Once I got over my horniness, I didn’t want him to leave my side. He seemed smarter and sweeter than other men. I didn’t care if he was actually better. I just knew how he felt to me. That’s all love is. Your heart rewires your brain to only want that one person.”

I think about Duke. He’s been on my mind nonstop since the party. I see him everywhere. That’s why I feel like shit and want to hide. But I see him in the house, too.

I even imagine his disapproval of my mopey behavior. He seems like a no-nonsense man. Or maybe not. He has a close relationship with his mom and daughters. The men on the homestead are tough guys, when necessary, but they have soft, goofy hearts with their families. That’s why the homestead is such a great place to live.

I force myself to leave the house and walk outside. To my right, I spot Alexis hiding under an umbrella and stitching up her clown outfit for an upcoming birthday party. To my left, I see Oana with her feathered blonde hair and flared jeans. She’s laughing with Roxie as they play with King Peepaw Jared’s mutt. I breathe in the familiar homestead scent and remind myself of my place in the world.

Though Duke McGraw’s heart might not be an option, Arcadia now feels like a pointless vacation when I’m hung up on a man. I consider what Oana suggested back when she first came to the homestead. My brother’s innocent yet feisty dream girl said if I wanted a baby and couldn’t find a man, I could choose to become a single mom. I’d even checked out sperm donor companies online. My parents would support my decision. I could put a house next to my brothers’ places and my kid would grow up safe on the homestead.

If love isn’t in the cards for me, I ought to focus on motherhood. Yes, I’m not powerless here. I still have options. I’ll pick a date on the calendar. If no man sweeps me off my feet by then, I’ll start building my house and choosing a sperm donor. Life can be just that organized.

Getting back into my routine, I hit up a regular haunt—Rock Hard Bar & Grill for a drink in the evening. Normally, I’m looking to meet a man when I come here. Tonight, I find myself stuck in my SUV, rethinking my future.

I could walk inside the restaurant and sit at the bar. A guy who doesn’t make me crazy but isn’t a loser could talk me up. We could agree to a date. I could build a relationship with him, even if we lack the chemistry I felt with Duke. Over time, that nice guy could become my husband. My kid would have a father.It’s a nice simple dream.

Confidence back, I walk inside the bar. I feel eyes on me. I suspect several men might make a move. Is that why I slide a ballcap over my hair and keep my head down? Why am I sending out a signal that I’m uninterested in male attention?

The answer is obvious.

None of the men in this place are Duke McGraw.

DUKE, AKA EMBRACING DRAMA

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I’ve been restless since the engagement party. I ought to be relieved by how goofy Val behaved with Lola. He does seem to have a crush on her. She also seems genuinely interested in him. Their arranged marriage is starting to look like the beginning of something great for my daughter.

This fact should relieve some of my stress. Instead, I’ve gotten myself wound up on an unobtainable woman.

This angsty shit isn’t me. I don’t get attached. I’ve only had casual relationships since Kerrie. If a woman wanted more, we ended things. One time, I found out a girlfriend was cheating. I let that shit slide off my back and never gave her another glance. I refuse to embrace drama.

Yet, ever since I met Edith Mooney, I’ve been thinking up ways to run into her. Fuck, I nearly stopped by her family’s pot shop in Tumbling Rock to talk her up. Except doing anything so obvious would draw the attention of her father and the rest of the Rawkfist club.

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