Page 60 of Body Count

Again, that little opening like I might add something.

“I know coming to therapy can be intimidating,” Pauline said.“Especially as a couple.I appreciate your willingness to be here and to try this.My role is to act as a guide and a facilitator.I want to create a safe space where you can express yourselves openly and honestly.Part of my job is to help you recognize and understand the challenges you’re facing.And, of course, I want to help you work on solutions and strategies for addressing those challenges as we work together to help you as individuals and as a couple.”

She did it all very nicely, but then, I figured she’d said it a million times before.

When neither of us interrupted, she continued, “Therapy is a collaborative process, so even though I’m here to help, the real work happens through the efforts you make in our conversations here and outside these sessions.One thing I always try to make clear to the couples who come to see me is that my job is not to take sides, or decide who was right and who was wrong, or tell you what to do.My goal is to help you see things from new perspectives, understand each other, and develop healthier patterns in your lives.”

Darnell was nodding along; I was surprised he hadn’t taken out a notebook and started jotting down these words of wisdom.

“One last thing I always tell people is that therapy can unearth moments of self-discovery, things that might surprise you—often, what we start with isn’t always what we end up wanting to address.Part of that process can also involve strong emotions and disagreement.I’m here to help you navigate those emotions and to keep our conversations productive and solution oriented, even when we feel overwhelmed.”

“We’re really grateful for your time,” Darnell said.I was surprised by how thick his voice sounded, and when I looked over, he was wiping his eyes.“This has been a long time coming.”

Pauline nodded, but to my surprise, she didn’t rush over to pat him on the shoulder and tell him everything was going to be okay.Instead, she said, “Why don’t we start with you telling me a little about your relationship?How did you meet, how long have you been together, that kind of thing.”

“Gray’s a—” He stopped and looked at me.“Can I tell her?”

“She already knows who we are,” I said.“Wahredua’s tiny.”

Darnell looked to Pauline for confirmation.

“It is a small town,” she said.“But our conversations are always confidential, so you can be sure of your privacy here.”

“So, you know Gray is a detective.Okay.We met on one of his cases.He was looking for this guy—” Darnell stopped, a flush rising behind his beard.“They actually interviewed me, like, maybe I was a suspect.”

“You weren’t a suspect,” I said.

But the memory of that night was suddenly vivid in my mind.At the time, Darnell had lived in a trailer outside of town.My boy John-Henry and I had been trying to track down a scumbag named Dennis Tonda, and we’d followed messages on his phone to a planned hookup with an underage girl.Instead, we’d found Darnell.He’d been running—well, it was like the white trash version ofTo Catch a Predator.He’d lure guys out there, jam a shotgun between their teeth, take pictures of them, and scare them off.

It was jarring, the force of the memory.I hadn’t thought about it in a long time.I’d forgotten how…strange it had been.The potential for violence.And in my head, I saw the image that Harvey had planted: Jordan and Rory showing up on our doorstep, talking to Darnell.He’d been angry, Harvey had told me.

Caught up in the chain of thoughts, I’d missed part of what Darnell was saying.“—so nervous I could barely talk.I thought I’d made a fool out of myself, sending him those flowers, trying to tell him I was interested in him.I couldn’t believe it was finally happening.I don’t even remember what I ordered.I probably didn’t even take two bites.”I could hear the smile in his voice when he said, “He wore a button-up printed with bananas.And these cute shorts.I thought I was the luckiest guy in the world.”Then, voice rough, he added, “I still do.”

“Gray,” Pauline said, “is there anything you want to add?”

I’d told John-Henry I was worried I was dating down.That memory, almost forgotten, floated up now too.It didn’t feel real, as though it had to have been someone else who had said that, who had thought that, because it couldn’t have been me.The unreality of it almost made me laugh.I shook my head, but then I heard myself say, “You didn’t make a fool out of yourself.You were so sweet.”More words kept coming, even as I tried to stop them.“I’d never dated anyone…kind.I liked that about you.That you were kind.”

The shotgun, another part of me thought.Shoving it in their mouths.

Darnell was wiping his eyes again with one hand; the other, still holding mine, squeezed hard.

After a brief silence, Pauline asked, “How long have you been together?”

“A little over two years,” Darnell said.“We clicked right away.We complement each other, that’s what I think.Gray’s fun and spontaneous.And I’m a little more serious, I guess.But we balance each other out.”I could hear the tears in his voice again as he said, “Everything was so good until—until the accident.”

The nights I’d wanted to go out, and he’d wanted to stay in.The nights I’d been bored, and he’d needed to work.The weeks when cases piled up, and I barely got home to sleep, much less to spend time with him, and so I got treated to huffy silences and stiffly pronounced absences.The weekends he had to travel for work, and he didn’t want me going out by myself.The fighting.We’d fought all the time.A dazed part of me thought, I set the fucking bed on fire.But that was like it had been someone else too.We didn’t fight now, though.Not really.

“How do you feel things have been since the accident?Is that what you call it?”

It wasn’t an accident, I thought.Some psycho bitch blew up my face.

“Yeah,” Darnell said, “the accident.Things have been tough.”He squeezed my hand again.“But I know this is an opportunity to make our relationship even stronger.We’ve built something really great, and I know we can make it even better.”

Pauline looked at me now.“Gray, could you talk a little about how you see your relationship?”

It was like it had been someone else’s life.Like it had all happened to someone else.

“It’s hard for him to talk about some of that stuff,” Darnell said.

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